I was raised in a very tidy house. Everything had a precise place, down to the arrangement of dish towels and placement of toothpaste. As a teenager, I rebelled against what I felt was a nazi-like cleaning regime and my bedroom became my clothes-strewn sanctuary (sorry, mom!). Then in my late twenties, living in my own grown-up house, I found myself trying to match my parents’ level of cleanliness, constantly berating myself when I missed the mark (which was, like, always). My sudden need for everything to be uber clean wasn’t my parents’ fault, just my own inability to see the ways in which I was dissimilar from them. I had never really taken the time to suss out the differences between me and them and everyone else.
It’s crazy easy to fall into the trap of thinking other people are doing things right and that we, with our Ben & Jerry’s and not spotless house, are doing it wrong. This has pretty much always been a thing, but blogs and diy weddings and decorating magazines and social media have elevated it to a sort art. The art of doing ‘all of the things’ as perfectly as possible.
We can unconsciously adopt the standards of others without ever checking in to see if they’re a true reflection of our values and capabilities. We play the comparison game, assuming that we should have the same exact standards as the people around us. This is especially true for perfectionists, whose internal dialogue can go something like this: “I am a super huge failure for not making the buttercream frosting for the bakesale in ombre colors like in that Pinterest tutorial I pinned five months ago.”
Setting personal standards seems like such an obvious thing, but when I was reflecting on guilt and comparison earlier this summer, I realized that there were many areas in my life where I just hadn’t done this. And it was at the root of a lot of comparison angst. One of the ways it crops up for me is when I start something new: instead of just allowing myself to be a beginner, I compare myself to people who are really advanced. But it’s so silly (and debilitating) to try and live up to the standards of Picasso when you’re just starting to experiment with painting. And it takes all of the joy out of it.
For instance, it’s easy for me to get down on myself for not posting on my blog seven days a week, as some other awesome bloggers do. I’ve even had people straight up ask me to do this. I used to feel a yucky twinge (okay, bucket, really) of guilt and then think, “Man, I must be doing this all wrong.” But the truth is, that’s not really my blogging style. So one day I sat down with myself and set my own standards for blogging. It allows me to politely say (and genuinely mean), “Oh, that’s so great that you do that. Go on with your bad self. I’m pretty happy posting once or twice a week and taking a break now and then while on vacation.” Because those are my standards–standards that I clearly defined for myself outside of the sphere of other people’s influence.
Defining your personal standards is a fantastic way of taking your values and goals and capabilities and turning them into little flags that direct you on your own path. Standards can be raised and modified and ditched entirely as we grow and progress and choose new paths. But they’re great for staying motivated and keeping comparison angst to a minimum.
And one of the fantastic byproducts of knowing what’s right for you is that it allows you to be genuinely happy for other people, rather than jealous and competitive. If a friend posts something on Facebook about running for the fourth time that week in record time, that clarity allows you to put it in perspective and think, “Rock on. I’m not at that level but I’m kicking butt on my two runs,” rather than “Screw you and your stupid Lululemon pants.” (amiright?)
Today, my own standards fall happily in between my hoarding sixteen-year-old self and my perfectionistic twenty-seven-year-old self. I don’t mind if things are imperfect and a little messy, though, much to teenage Rian’s horror, I like things to be tidyish. And when a neat-freak friend uncomfortably eyes my big stack of design magazines, I don’t bat an eye. Because it’s my stack. My standard.
What do you think? Do you have clearly defined personal standards that you feel confident about? Or do you sometimes find yourself mixed up in the you, me, and everyone else stew?
Categories: Nitty Gritty Truths
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Truth and Cake 
You are very wise. First of all, I appreciate how little you blog. I am always sure to read the whole thing. I often talk too much and look at folks who seldom speak and how much more they are listened to. As for standards, sometimes mine are way too high and unrealistic and not based upon me. Thanks for the inspiration to be myself and set my own standards.
For a sec I thought about balancing it out and including something about raising standards if the people around us have low ones, and then the sad reality set in that most people (*especially* women) I know have the opposite problem. We set them impossibly high. How great it would be if we could all give ourselves permission to ease up a bit and just be ourselves.
You made the right choice. I find myself so stressed out about ridiculous things. Thanks again for your great blog posts!
Couldn’t agree more with your sentiments Rian. As a society, it seems that we spend way too much energy on trying to keep up by playing the comparison game only to leave us frustrated & feeling less than! Setting goals & standards for ourselves makes us happier & healthier people all around:) Enjoyed your post!
Just imagine how much energy we’d have for doing cool things if we all stopped worrying about what other people thought of us? It’s kind of mind blowing. Like, we could all be fluent in five languages and pros at basket weaving, for example ;) Glad you enjoyed it, have a fab Wednesday.
This is a great post! I often find myself thinking about the same things… I like the way you boil it down to setting your own standards. I know that will stay in my mind. Thank you for sharing!
Cool, I’m glad you found that framing useful. And thank *you* for chiming in. It’s so helpful and liberating for all of us to know other people think about the same things.
I end up in the stew with everyone else, especially if you try to take a piece of my chocolate – ha! My kitchen is my domain and everything has a place, so I usually find things stacked on one counter because family and friends are not sure where it all goes. Have a Great Day:)
Uh, oh–don’t let me near your chocolate then. We may have trouble ;)
“We can unconsciously adopt the standards of others without ever checking in to see if they’re a true reflection of our values and capabilities. We play the comparison game, assuming that we should have the same exact standards as the people around us.”
Kudos for this. It is well-said and incredibly true. I know, because I’m guilty of this, too. BUT, on the bright side, it’s nice to know others are trying to develop their own balance, too, instead of getting compulsively caught up in comparison.
Thanks for the words!
Yes, hearing our own thoughts reflected back can really ease the load–so thanks for sharing. I definitely feel like we’re all partners in crime ;)
I think the part about having your own standards so you can be happy for others is really important. Your friend wouldn’t side eye your stack of magazines if she realized and was okay with the fact that you didn’t have to be as neat as her.
I definitely have felt this shift in myself lately. Being able to distinguish between what I deem “right” or “successful” and what everyone else thinks has made it so much easier to be the present and happy friend and daughter I want to be.
Thank you for your insight and beautifully articulated post (as always). Happy Wednesday :)
“I definitely have felt this shift in myself lately. Being able to distinguish between what I deem “right” or “successful” and what everyone else thinks has made it so much easier to be the present and happy friend and daughter I want to be.”–I love this comment. I’m finding that to be very true in my life as well. Happy Wednesday to you–I hope it was a good one :)
This is so insightful. I’ll be chewing on this for a while. This is really what I needed to read right now. Thank you!
Cool, we can chew on it together.
I shared it to Facebook and then a good friend shared it via the link. Your post really touched both of us. I’ve been working through a lot of issues that come down to expectations and disappointment and the way you framed it in terms of identifying your OWN values rather than comparisons and projections was really helpful.
Excellent post! I think another thing is that we feel we have to become More instead of realizing that our we are going against our nature – that we can make small changes but it’s easier to work with what you have rather than trying to change everything to force yourself to be what you’re not and ultimately not being able to maintain that level of ‘not you’ and then ‘failing’ when things go south.
“it’s easier to work with what you have rather than trying to change everything”–oh yes, so true. I’ve definitely expended way too much energy in my life trying to be something more or better or different. It’s funny, but don’t you find that the work of ‘growing up’ involves an awful lot of unlearning and accepting who we are and always have been?
exactly – because if we listened to all the messages around us, we’d always be trying to self improve to be more X – Accepting is the hardest lesson there is.
Spot on! I am happy for you that you figured this out in your twenties! And I mean genuinely happy for you. It took me until a bout with cancer in my late 30’s to decide that “just being me” was perfection in my world. Rock on Rian :)
I’m sorry to hear you went through something so painful. We just dealt with cancer in our family and it was just…yeah, not good. I guess the bright side is that illness can have a major impact on perspective and really show us what’s important in life. You’re so right, “just being you” = perfection. I’d love to say I figured that out in my twenties, but I’m still stumbling along with it in my early 30’s, relearning it every day. Thanks for sharing, and rock on with your bad self ;)
I’m 22 and looking at leaving college and “starting life” (as everyone says) so I’m trying very hard to define my own standards. I think it’ll be super important in the future. That said, I still have trouble not comparing myself to others especially, like you, when I’m beginning something. :/
I think it’s so awesome that you’re working to define them now–that shows a lot of maturity and self-awareness and will serve you well during the first crazy (and crazy fun) years of being ‘out in the world.’ I think you’ll find that they will change as you grow. But being aware of them along the way is fantastic and will allow you to chart your journey and stay true to you along the way. Best of luck as you strike out on your own!
Firstly I love your blog immensely and you blogging daily or even weekly would kill me coz I’d miss your beautiful writing, and trust me; “we” don’t want that.
Secondly your post is so spot on, as always….Women’s lives are complicated and difficult enough as it is, by the mere fact of being a woman, and us adding on to these perfect cook-perfect blogger-perfect host-perfect wife,-perfect mother-lists, is just plain insanity. We take on other people’s burdens and make them ours, forgetting to smell the roses and just be. I haven’t posted on my blog for possibly over 2 months simply because I am not coping with all the other have to do’s and must do’s, and I’m trying to shed some of this “perfection weight”, to try and get some sense of me.
At the top of my list; I have in recent years come to learn and accept that I do not want to be at the top of the food chain in the company I’m working for, because 1. I cannot and I will not devote thaaat much time to work at the risk of jeopardizing my family. 2. I am happiest in the kitchen whipping up some cake batter or trying out different recipes from my huge collection of cookbooks…….Sorry ladies; This may be taking women’s rights centuries back but that’s just me. I could be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen for all eternity and I would be happy…….At my discretion only though, not forcibly.
And yes, I have come to accept that I am not a beauty regimen kind of girl, healthy eating/living, cleansing, toning, moisturizing and once a week face mask are all I am. Lip-gloss and an occasional bold lip stick yes. As for caking myself with make-up and washing my face in some herbal tea or other, I tried, but those were just not my standards and I failed……dismally.
Hear hear! I was trying to post 3 times/week for the longest time, but lately I’m doing about once a week. While I still feel a twinge-sometimes-bucket-load of guilt, I also feel more free to write what *I* want to write, because there’s no pressure to manufacture content based on a set schedule. I think the enthusiasm shows when you’re posting something you’re genuinely excited to share (I’m looking at you, too, missy, when I say this)!
I’m so glad to hear you’re doing what feels right for you when it comes to blogging, Jules. You’re awesome and amazing and we all want more of you, but you’re so right–I also think it shows when we’re feeling like we want to share vs feeling oligated to. My favorite thing is to find intersections between things–two different ideas or a story and an idea. I feel like it makes things more interesting–if I threw every idea up on my blog at the incubation stage, I don’t think it would be as interesting or worth people’s time.
By the way, I’m in awe that you’ve been working full time, taking care of Uncle Jesse, being a super awesome wife and blog friend, hiking and fitbitting and vino drinking and still finding the time to photoshop and write those amazeballs posts *3* times a week. At times, I’ve supposed you’re super-human. Tell me the truth. You’re actually a robot, aren’t you?
A friend and I were recently talking about setting personal standards and it’s like you must have been in the room. And I agree it’s pretty easy, especially as women, to get competitive and try to live up to others’ standards. I have a wrinkled old scrap of green paper taped to my computer monitor at work that says “Comparison is the thief of joy” by Theodore Roosevelt, but it’s been there so long I’ve forgotten to notice it lately. This post brings it back to life, and thank you.
I’m definitely happy with myself and my life and where I am now but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that other people’s Cool Life Experience stuff does set me wondering. Not jealous as such because I recognise that for all the fabulous travelling they might do, they’ve probably had to work in a job they don’t really like to get the money to do so. Whereas I work in a job I love, despite it not being that well paid and not leaving me with the ability to travel the world at the drop of a hat. So it doesn’t take me that long to remember that I wouldnt switch my life with theirs even if they did go scuba diving/paragliding/mountain trekking yesterday in the Amazon rainforest or wherever.
I think our society promotes this false sense of perfectionism, but slowly and surely the veil is being raised by bloggers like you. I started a blog last month (this is totally NOT self promotion, promise!) because I saw a gap in the blogosphere (see? I’m super hip to the lingo already) when it came to weddings and marriage. One half of the population seems to think the wedding is the marriage, the other half seems to be very religious (nothing wrong with that I’m Christian myself) and think that as long as you incorporate Jesus, things will work out okay. No one talks about the knock down drag out fights, or feeling lonely when there’s someone sharing a bed with you or domestic violence, or infidelity. No one talks about the importance of self care and the changes that happen once a baby is thrown into the madness. Love is all you need…not! I think people are starting to appreciate that life is not black and white, but is a dance It ebbs and flows. Sometimes its sucky and thats okay, sometimes its fabulous and that’s okay. I (clearly) can go on and on and on, so I limit my blogging to posting whatever I feel is of substance. Some weeks thats 4-5 posts, some just one. I almost started to believe that if my blog had great content, surely people would follow me. To my dismay, blogging is basically marketing and I, am a social worker turned SAHM. So basically I suck at self promotion. I think that if you start to evaluate your reasons for blogging (or really anything that you are putting effort into) you’ll be happier and less stressed out. It’s okay if I post great content (not to pat myself on the back lol) and no one reads it, because its a sort of memoir for my marriage. Plus I post recipes and it’s always nice to have an archive ready that’s not Pinterest in a pinch.:)
Back again. I also feel that some of these lifestyle blogs are very much staged. Who has a toddler and has a full face of makeup, clean outfit, HEELS and the toddler is clean too? I stay at home all day with my son. I’m lucky if I can brush my teeth and shower. Also, who is capturing all these pictures of them making Smoked Salmon Benedict for brunch with their 5 closest friends and their toddler happily chewing on an organic banana in the background? Something is fishy. These are clearly not standards we can live up to, nor should we aspire to.
This was really a great post – thank you! I started a blog about a year ago and initially I was posting weekly, but it was difficult because in my mind hitting the “publish” button was synonymous with submitting a manuscript to Simon & Schuster. Ridiculous! I am shocked at how long it can take me to write a few hundred words. After a summer of family, travel, and play I am not writing as much as I would like, but it’s all about balance. I don’t want to take something I love – writing – and turn it into a chore. Glad to see others who are striving for a similar balance!
It was truly refreshing and uplifting to read this. I am forever comparing myself to other people’s standards and finding myself sorely lacking. Not good at all! Its good to remind ourselves that our own standards are what is most suitable for us. I esp liked the part about blogging at a frequency that you are comfortable with. I myself often fret that I am not blogging often enough-but remind myself that there are no set rules.
I live in a part of the world — suburban NYC — where you can make yourself ill comparing your life to the Range-Rover-driving-size 00-SAHMs with $$$$$$ husbands in 5,000 sf houses…while we live in a small apartment, drive a beater car and my hard-working hubby makes less, midcareer, than a brand-new corporate attorney. With my two books published, I have friends who’ve done eight…like that…
We like our lives, have a good marriage and are able to say “Enough already.”
We all face illness, injury, job loss, death…It’s a huge waste of time and energy to compare our choices to anyone else’s. They all have costs, many of which are less visible.
“my bedroom became my clothes-strewn sanctuary” – uh oh.. relate much here! :P
What a great post! I recently read an article suggesting that instead of comparing yourself to others, you should compare yourself to a past version of yourself. This is advice I heard before, but it never really sank in until recently when I found myself being that perfectionist in you mentioned in your blog post. It’s such a beautiful thing to gain wisdom and insight as we go along in this game of life.
Hello Rian,
I’m happy to know that there are other people who think about this stuff as well. I am working on setting my own standards instead of following those of my family or friends, sometimes it is hard but trying is what matters. Thanks for your post!
Oof this is so true. I definitely fall into the trap of comparing my beginning to someone else’s middle. I try my very best to set my own personal standards and believe in them. But then when I hear what someone else is doing, I start to second guess and self-doubt and get right caught up again in the confusion. But I find that when I do actually set my own standards and stand by them and trust in them for anything, I can be happier for other peoples’ success that I otherwise might have envied. And I allow myself to ease the pressure off of myself to be “perfect.”
Ehhh I hoped to leave my teenager messiness behind me ..but well never happen. But well I found it as a part of me and my world and as far as I am fine with it I guess all is fine. Ps. I love your blog!
I really like your writing, I find I can relate to it. My dad was always very neat, and I respect him for it. But I also think that if a teenager doesn’t have the chance to have a slightly messy room, then they haven’t lived. My room is never to his standards, but, for me, it is tidy enough. I can walk around without tripping over piles of clothes and what-not. I appreciate that things look nice when they have a ‘place’ but I also like the improvisation side of things. I have read some of the previous comments too, and I do feel like I am occasionally judged for my standards, but I also find that giving myself my own standards gives me some independence. The idea of a ‘perfect’ life where everything has its own place can be daunting, perfection isn’t our life goal, living rather than constantly cleaning is, however. Thanks for your post, it made me think :)
I can’t even tell you how happy I am to have come across your blog! I love moments in life where the exact thing that you really need, that you didn’t even know you were looking for, magically finds you. I feel like reading your posts (especially this one) is one of those moments. I often get myself and my personal standards mixed up with everyone else’s, especially when it comes to how much (or little) I’m doing. My friend who stays at home with two children makes her husband breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, so of course I should be doing the same thing since I only have one child, right? It’s an incredibly frustrating habit that I’m hoping to break. I wrote a little about it on my blog https://excandiced.wordpress.com/. Thank you so much for sharing and I’m really looking forward to more inspiring writing from you!
Hey Candace,
Thanks so much for your lovely comment. I’ve been away from blogging for a while due to some big life changes and I’m feeling just about ready to get back at it. Comments like yours are like fuel in the tank and remind me of how much I miss writing for and meeting awesome people like you. Thanks for reading. And so much love and luck with your blog. xx
Thanks so much! I wish you all the best with your life changes and I hope you’re able to return to blogging soon. For now, I’ll be satisfied reading more of your previous inspiring posts. I’m glad you enjoyed mine and it’s nice to meet you! <3
Reblogged this on ridaakhyderi.
Great being able to relate!! was a fantastic read and 100% related to my situation at home and then leaving home. Thank you :)
You are absolutely right ! In the past I was so competitive with others, and it brings me so much angst and destroy my wellness for a great time ! I changes and I think, we only have to be ourself competitor. Like, today, we have to try to be better than yersterday. Happier, healthier, kinder and more thankful to be alive and enjoying TODAY ! xx
Great post! Thanks so much for sharing!
Loved the writing. Great blog. Glad to have found it.
I know it’s old but I just loved reading this. Its so easy to get caught up in the hype. Keeping up with the kardashians so to speak. I love your perspective! I find that I am in that space where I want to be more consistent and scheduled/tidy, but it doesn’t always happen, so lately I’ve been allowing myself to fall short a little as long as I get back up and go again! Good read!
Reblogged this on Glamour143 and commented:
I absolutely loved reading this post by Truth and Cake. In some ways I have been saying some of this all along. Be your own person, be happy for others, but you should disconnect your self worth from the accomplishments or lack there of, of others. Enjoy!
This is an awesome article! I’m really glad I discovered your blog- you really hit home for me when you wrote about setting your OWN personal standards, rather than constantly comparing yourself and where you’re at in life with everyone else. “Comparison angst” really nails what I feel so often- especially while I’m searching for a new career, starting a new blog and of course trying to keep focus on staying present and happy. I will definitely take your advice to set my own standards ASAP! Cheers :)
Thanks for this wonderful post, definitely got me thinking about myself and where I am with my standards. In all honesty, I try to set goals more than standards. Only because things don’t always go the way I want it to, so I try not to make a mindset of what things are supposed to live up to, whatever happens in whatever way is okay with me as long as I can still come back from it, learn and grow, and reach my goal.
Have just stumbled upon your blog – it’s awesome and have put it on to my blog role.
I think over the years I’ve be very guilty of being caught up in the You, Me and Everyone else mix but as I’m getting older I’m learning to stick to my own standards and not others.
I’m 24, so it’s a still a learning curve but I guess I’ve always been strong headed to the point where I knew myself at aged 15. Of course I’ve changed, adapted and grew as a person with thanks to some great influences in my life. But mainly I think my up bringing has taught me to stick to my standards and not feel ashamed of them because they’re not on the same level as another.
Really enjoyed reading your work but I really identified with this one :) love your work!