Image: theCHIVE
Do you ever have days (or whole years, entire decades) where you feel like that rooster in the middle, attempting to prance around with the pretty pink flamingos, hoping no one notices that you look decidedly different?
I sure do. In fact, I’ve felt “different” my entire life. I wanted to be the flamingo, but I just wasn’t. I was the rooster. Even as a young, blonde Marsha Brady look-alike, I was bullied. Yep, I was actually barked at like a dog. I knew that it wasn’t because I was ugly. It had to do with the way I saw the world and my inability to conform to other people’s expectations. Something about me made the flamingos nervous.
It was only once I learned to embrace my roosterness that I started coming into my own, speaking my mind with confidence and passion. I was able to flip the switch on my “otherness” and use it to my advantage.
I noticed something as I was reading through your posts and descriptions on Freshly Press Yourself over the last few days. Amidst all of the wonderfully written, funny, insightful posts, there was an unfortunate amount of hemming and hawing, of devaluing and apologizing. Things like: “I’m not really an expert,” or “This is poorly written” or “Not my best.” Maybe you’re not an expert, maybe it is poorly written, and maybe it’s not your best. But, hang on a sec, lovelies. WHY are you telling us those things? Is it because you’re embarrassed? Worried about being judged?
Guess what? We’re all afraid of being judged. Even those pretty pink flamingos.
Especially those pretty pink flamingos.
It’s natural to feel uncertain when we begin something new. We worry that everyone is so much further ahead of us and that we’ll never catch up. We’re not witty enough, smart enough, experienced enough, pretty enough. But none of that matters. What matters is that we’re not self–confident enough.
Here’s a comment left by a fellow blogger on my Freshly Pressed Post:
I had just stumbled upon your blog from the “Freshly Pressed” page and upon seeing your layout and photo and “About Me” section, was immediately struck with jealousy! As someone who just started a blog and is still very much figuring out its direction, I thought, now THIS is what a blog is supposed to look like; it is perfect in a way mine never will be…why am I even trying?! Then I read your entry and realized how right you are about how misleading only parts of the ‘picture’ can be.
Umm, guess what guys? I also had no idea what I was doing when I started this blog. I had a vague concept and a strong desire to voice my thoughts. I had an idea for a photo shoot. I worried that people would think my cupcakes and my pig were stupid and that I looked silly. But if I’ve learned one thing in my thirty years of life, it’s this: No one really knows what they’re doing. Everyone is, to some extent, faking it.
Fakers. All of us.
Those guys who barked at me were faking it. They wanted to look cool so they picked on me; they used it to leverage their own popularity. And then those bullies grew up, and one of them wrote me an emotional apology email a few years back. And, even though it shouldn’t have mattered anymore, it made me feel better. Because we all want to be liked…
Which is why we tend to swing wildly between self-doubt and over-confidence and have a tough time locating that sweet spot in between. Think about the blogs or books you like to read, the people you admire and look up to. They probably all have something in common: they’re confident but not arrogant, humble but not self-effacing. They believe in themselves and position themselves as authoritative and ever-curious. Most importantly, they are 100% authentic.
When you say things like, “I’m not really an expert,” you are teaching people to doubt your authority. By talking yourself down, you’re diluting and possibly destroying all of the great content you’ve worked so hard to create.
Image: Murray The Nut
Don’t do that. Believe that what you have to say holds merit. Because it does. Confidence allows you to take wonderful risks.
I really like this quote from Alan Alda:
“Laugh at yourself, but don’t ever aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don’t leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory.”
Embrace your roosterness. Believe it or not, other people actually want to hear what you have to say. So don’t hold back. Climb off of those ridiculous stilts and crow, baby, crow.
Truth and Cake 
You are brilliant and inspiring.
:) Wonderful post. You should only compare yourself to one person – yourself. The heck with being a flamingo, you’re awesome AND you can walk on stilts.
It’s all about being authentic.
People want to see and hear the rooster. I’ve learned more from people falling flat on their face than those who make believe life is a bowl of cherries.
I agree, we’re making it up as we go along. In the process, you’ve got to show your true feathers.
p.s. Love Alan Alda. Read or listen to his memoir, “Never Have Your Dog Stuffed.”
Cool, thanks for the tip, Steve. I’ll check it out!
I’ve been meaning to read that for years, but kept forgetting about it. Thanks for the reminder, Steve!
This is one of my favorite all-time blog posts ever. So rich. So inspiring. So real. I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
It’s all true what you’ve written; the worst thing to do is to show people your flaws, weaknesses or whatever you name it. It’s like putting a spotlight on the things no one would never notice or doubt.
Confidence is not easy to achieve, though. There should be lessons on confidence at school:)
By the way, I look at your picture and see such a lovely face – it’s so hard to imagine that you were bullied. You highlighted that it wasn’t because of your appearance, but I always thought that attractive people doesn’t have this problem very often..
PS: I’ve just came across your blog, and you really created a place worth visiting on a regular basis. Congratulations:)
Interesting point you raise, N. Bullying isn’t really about ugly vs pretty, fat vs skinny. Bullies pick on people they perceive to be different or weak in order to make themselves feel powerful. I actually think there’s a fine line between the bully and the bullied–often, both suffer from low self-esteem (this isn’t always the case for the bullied, of course). But they deal with it differently (based on role models, opportunity, disposition, etc.). Bullying is a hugely important topic, and one that’s too complicated for this little box. Maybe there will be an opportunity to discuss it in the future. Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the conversation.
Reblogged this on For The Wynne and commented:
walk the walk
Rian–
Thank you for your wonderful posts. This one is especially relevant among our fellow bloggers. In a few of your posts, you note that being authentic and confident in one’s voice and content is most important. That is something that is easily forgotten with the great amount of emphasis on stats, page views, being Freshly Pressed, and amount of likes. I’ve stumbled upon many amazing blogs, including yours, and I think it’s our job as writers and bloggers, not to be discouraged by the fact that there is talent out there, but to be inspired. I am an avid reader, learner, as well as writer.
Cheers to all you fellow Roosters!
“I think it’s our job as writers and bloggers, not to be discouraged by the fact that there is talent out there, but to be inspired.” Well put, and I totally agree.
Cock-a-doodle dooooooo! ;-) Though personally, I’ve always been drawn to peacocks. They walk around like nothing special and then WHAM! A beautiful display of colorful, enchanting feathers. Each of us has a unique surprise hidden within just waiting to burst out. We’ve just got to remember to be proud and show it off. After all, birds of a feather flock together and the flock of bloggers out there is one that I am proud (and honored) to be a part of.
Peacocks are pretty awesome ;)
Love this post! So true. Thanks for writing.
Qur’an 8:59 “The infidels should not think that they can get away from us. Prepare against them whatever arms and weaponry you can muster so that you may terrorize them. They are your enemy and Allah’s en.mQe”yur’an 4:101 “The unbelievers (non-Muslims) are your inveterate foeQur’an 47:4 “Strike off the heads of the disbelievers”; and after making a “wide slaughter among them, carefully tie up the remaining captives.” just a few examples of hate in the quran. sick.
Love this, as usual. I am officially removing “I am not an expert” from my vocabulary. It has become quite a crutch for me, even when I actually kind of am an expert, so I really appreciated reading this. Thank you!! Great, honest, thoughtful post, as always.
I was hoping you’d do that, remove the “I’m not an expert” from your vocab ;)
:-) Thank you!!! I need to do that! I appreciate the support!
and this whole time i thought that was a stinking cat in your lap. only after you pointed out it was a pig and a double take did i finally catch it. as my 7 year old says “I’m so crazy!” because he’s not allowed to call his self stupid. I have to remind myself he and my other children cant hear me say negative things about myself.
Ha, I hope you didn’t think it was a real cat :)
I did think it was real! I thought it was just a very white cat. I guess I was looking at the rest of the picture and my mind filled in a cat, lol.
“Fake it til you make it”…like the duck, look calm on the water above and peddle like mad underneath! :)
Cheers,
Laura
FAITH it till you make it.
Oooh, I like that Steve!
Well said, Rian
Loving your post – well said – Woot, Woot!!! I am embracing who I am and know I DO NOT have a “Medium Button”, so what you see is what you get:) Have a Wonderful Day!
I got similar advice about my blog a few months ago from a friend. He told me “stop apologizing, stop being humble, nobody wants to read that shit. You’re awesome, we know you’re awesome, you think you’re awesome. Your blog is about YOU and what you think, you’r blog is Maria World. Cut out all the the ‘not reallys’ the ‘pretty much’ and the ‘maybes’, all the other stuff that makes you look like you have no confidence and state your opinion in a bold way. No apologies”. I took it to heart and never looked back. My blog is so much better as a result.
And to be honest with you, when I see it on other blogs its BORING to read. Its basically having to wade through all the bullshit to get to the actual content of the post.
These days if a writer does it too much, I don’t bother with their blog anymore.
Good advice, good friend ;)
It’s great to have honest friends that can point out the hard truths we can’t see.
Excellent advice I once heard from a writer and poet: offer your work without apology. Great advice, Rian! Thank you!
I think on blogs people tend to do that, and it’s okay… Most people will let it slide as vulnerability, plain and simple. However, if you plan on going beyond blogging, it’s not a good idea to start with, “This isn’t that great, but…” It’s like planting a seed and then exposing it to fungus and vermin.
That was great, by the way, you giving people a chance to freshly press themselves.
What a lovely post. I enjoy your writing style. Very eloquent.
wise words from someone so seemingly young – appreciate your perspective – I, too, am a rooster, so I shall wrap myself in my otherliness
Nothing brilliant to say here, and I’m new at blogging, and I’m really not an expert, but I do so very much like your blog.
LOL
I was bullied quite a bit when younger by friends and family. It can lead to emotional pathways hardwired in the brain, in that one then “attracts” those that have bullying behaviors, as that’s what’s “comfortable” It can be very hard to rewire {neuroplasticity}, but that’s what’s needed. I wrote a piece last spring talking about being bullied, the thing is being a bully is a learned behavior, children don’t come out of the womb as a bully nor do the others accepting of being bullied. We’re all perfect and whole as a young child, it’s in the growing up we deal with cracks in self, resulting in decreased self-esteem and lack of confidence. Thank you for sharing especially because I didn’t know a rooster crows, l love learning new things!
http://myrenaissancelife.net/tag/unicorn/ (there are actually two parts ;)
I had much the same experience when I was in secondary school. I didn’t look any different from anybody in my class, but they sensed I was a bit different and I got bullied for a year over it.
These days I like to think they were right: I *am* different.
My friends are the ones that like me in spite of – and even because of – the different-ness. I suspect if people don’t like me for what I am…they aren’t worth me bothering about.
You’re right about needing to balance the tone between over-confidence and low self-esteem: as Brits we usually stay on the safe side of under-confidence because we don’t like arrogance, but I don’t think that’ll help me in the long-term. Thanks again!
Thank you.
I’d like to reblog this if you don’t mind!
Reblogged this on Smells Good Feels Good and commented:
A rooster in a flamingo world? Strut your stuff, say what you have to day and don’t apologise for it!
We are all worried about being judged, aren’t we? Feels crappy, really. And it gets worse when things get tough because you won’t conform. But I agree when you say that we shouldn’t say things like, “I’m not really an expert,”. I don’t quite do that in person but when I write I feel bad. Lack of confidence, indeed :(
Reblogged this on Through My Eyes… and commented:
I’ve always been a risk taker… but when it comes to serious things like jobs I am often scared for change because I think that “I’m not good enough” and start doubting myself… BUT this post just opened my eyes again… and I will never talk myself down again! “What I have to say holds merit!”
Thanks Rian :)
Wow. Thank you for a great post! I really needed to read this and guess what? Its time to crow :).
Love your writing! I got to Truth&Cake via freshly pressed – and am so grateful for that, you are an inspiration! I am not sure whether you are interested in participating, but my way of saying thank you was to nominate your blog for Inspiring Blogger Award – if you get a minute, please check out my last entry.
Best Regards,
Lena
Thanks, Lena–for reading and for the award :)
and that, friends, is why we are all here… :D
Wow – does this ever hit me over the head. I LOVE your writing style and perspective on life – thanks for sharing it!
1. This TOTALLY goes along with my philosophy of “you teach people how to treat you.”
2. I spent much of my formative years nursing a super intense crush on Alan Alda.
1. Totally.
2. His face makes me so happy. Super intense? Do tell.
I remember being young…like early grade school kind of young…and when I was good, my parents would let me stay up late to watch M*A*S*H (it was on at 10.) I told my mom I was going to lose my virginity to Alan Alda! WHO SAYS THAT WHEN THEY’RE 7???
See? Intense. But I just really really really love his laugh.
That’s so cute(and a little strange?) ;) He does have a great laugh. I used to love MASH–recently I’ve been watching him on “The Big C.” Have you seen it?
THIS is exactly the reason that I started my own blog and is basically the same point I make in my page that explains my writing style. I don’t often feel like I write the most pulled together and inspiring posts like others do, but I’m still going to only give you my own voice and not one that I create as a way to conform!
Love it! its like you to give a boost up to other bloggers!
I truly cannot understand how someone such as me…actually exactly me, who is extremely outgoing, positive, smiley, talkative, confident, and motivating –got an original quote for every situation– didn’t find enough self confidence to Press myself by your invitation last week when that’s exactly the thing I want to do most. The old adage holds true, we are most definitely our worst critic. — now off to press myself- thanks
Funny how we can be really confident in one arena and full of self doubt in another. I’m glad you changed your mind, Jennifer! I look forward to checking it out.
beautiful and really really inspiring :D
Reminds me of what I was taught when doing speech competitions in high school: Begin with confidence instead of an apology. If you apologize, then people are going to look for what you did wrong.
I also learned something similar while teaching high school, which is to act as what you would like to be. I was a first-time teacher in a difficult situation, and began with attempted humility and honesty. I quickly learned i needed to act like I had been teaching for years, and the students would begin to respect my knowledge and authority.
And that’s what I’m trying to do now: I may not have a published book, but that’s my goal, so I’m attempting to sound and act like a professional author.
Humility is a good quality, but that can come out of honesty instead of self-doubt.
Be what you want to become.
“Begin with confidence instead of an apology. If you apologize, then people are going to look for what you did wrong.” This is great advice and spot-on. Thanks, L!
YEEEEEEAHHH!!!!! Right on, sister!!!
When I was going through your “Fresh Press Yourself” comments to discover new blogs, I was invariably put off by comments such as “It’s not that great but…” or “I’m not an expert but…” etc. I would probably have clicked on those links if the comment had said something positive about it instead.
So I’m glad you decided to write about confidence. Very inspirational, as usual.
Yayyyy Rian! I just so love coming here and taking my time enjoying every word/truth/cake. I think that’s remarkable that you received an apology letter from one of the boys, though I’m sorry you ever had to go through that experience.
I agree with everything you’ve said here. None of us [in this world – not just the blogsphere] know what we’re doing, but then, NONE OF US know what we’re doing, so, we kind of cancel each other out and we can just move on.
I see a lot of bloggers tear themselves down, too, and I don’t think any good comes of it in the end. I think that energy is better spent encouraging others, if you’re having trouble projecting confidence. And luckily encouragement seems to spread like wildfire around these parts. I know this post had me standing up and cheering! :)
“None of us know what we’re doing, but then, NONE OF US know what we’re doing, so, we kind of cancel each other out.” Oh, ye are a wise one, Jules. And you’re right–helping others is a great way to take the spotlight off of yourself. Just being less self-involved in general will take your fear of judgment down a notch. I wish I had the photoshop skills to insert a flying monkey swooping down on those flamingos. Oh, well–it’s good to have aspirations ;)
Seriously…you were barked at? The reason I ask is that I’ve never heard anyone else admit it publicly. And how ironic that you, pretty/smart were the victim of this. I was, too. I arrived at my Toronto high school halfway through Grade 10 and was promptly nicknamed Doglin (instead of Caitlin) and had to hear barking noises for the next 2.5 years. It was a living hell.
But the minute I arrived at university, I was super-popular with guys and never looked back. There are few things more threatening than a woman who refuses to defer or conform.
I’m sorry to hear that you went through something similar, Caitlin. That nickname is so cruel. I also moved around quite a bit, which was part of the problem–kids tend to go straight for the new girl/guy. My bullying occurred in middle school, so by the time I got to high school I was unwilling to take any shit and had a fine time. But it certainly stung and altered my worldview. Isn’t it unfortunate that more people don’t speak up? Maybe it would change the current perception of who is bullied and why bullying occurs.
Gah.. bullying is terrible — I lost someone I thought was a best friend because of it. Because (if we’re going with bird analogies here) she was a peacock and I am a crow. That was just recently, too. I haven’t gone through some of the horror stories that I hear about, but needless to say I was picked on for as long as I can remember.
Confidence has always been my downfall for a multitude of reasons. I’m way better now than I was a couple years ago, but I know I still have a long way to go.
Thank you for sharing, Rian. Your posts (and piggy and talks of cupcakes) do inspire me to be a better person.
I’m sure you know this already, but crows are very, very smart birds. ;)
That’s inspiring stuff. If only the whole world thought like this..
Well, you did it again. I had to think that, yes, I do the “I’m no expert” think quite a bit. I will try to stop because you also had me looking at the post for tomorrow and I realized from my stats and such that people do like me and people do want to hear and read what I am thinking. You don’t have to be an expert. In fact, in my experience, experts are often very difficult to listen to. They will talk too high for you to understand and/or they will talk to high and mighty for my tastes. I have spoken with doctors who would take offense if you disagreed with them, except they don’t pay any attention to anything you say. They already have their minds made up. I had to drop the original neurologist I had during my stroke because he was arrogant enough to walk out into the hospital lobby and tell my Mom that she might as well prepare for the funeral! My wonderful sister kinda told him who was in charge!
Scott
You’re so right, Scott. And you know what? We’re all experts at something: our own experiences. There’s no need to apologize for your perspective. I learn something from every post, every opinion, every story someone tells. Because it’s an experience that I didn’t personally live through. Not in that exact way. By the way, I’m really glad you got a new neurologist!
Yes, thank you. Keep it coming.
Scott
I agree with a big part from what you say,as a rooster myself, yet I still believe that doubt can be helpful sometimes. Whether for understanding other perceptions or trying new attitudes, doubt saved me a couple of times. I also see some way too confident people around me that have absolutely nothing to offer, except their huge ego.
I would say, to all us roosters, that it is okay to doubt yourself sometimes, but don’t show it to others.
P.S
I adore your picture! It’s ain’t silly at all!
Yes, I do notice that Socrates is said to have begun from the philosophically skeptical (doubting) position of “I know that I know nothing.” So much for modesty. Once that base was covered, he proceeded in “The Dialogues” with great courtesy and decorum to prove to his students that they knew even less than he did, because they all assumed they knew more than he did. So we can call Socrates an early rooster of a sort (probably was picked on in school–certainly the people of his town put him to death for corrupting youth with his skeptical teachings). The lesson I draw from this is the same as what you mention: monitor yourself so that other people don’t have to do it for you, and they will like you all the better for that (except watch out about exacerabating the tempers of those in charge, or you may find yourself forced to consume a poison like hemlock! Just joking, but you get my point!).
Exactly! Or not?…(just kidding (; ).We are definitely for roosters monitoring themselves, and not being monitored by flamingos.
By the way, I think very few people will admit they are flamingos, whereas most will claim they are roosters. But it’s just a question of point of view, right? We all are roosters and flamingos at the same time.
Yeah, I know. I’m always a rooster to my mother, but sometimes with a sideways grin, my brother would tease me about being a flamingo (if only he knew the terms of the discussion we’re having!)
This is so uplifting – thank you! I went through an identity crisis of sorts when I began blogging a few months ago but I’m finally learning that when I’m truly authentic, when I forget about what everyone might think, those are the posts that readers really connect and engage with. I have found that the more scared I am to hit that publish button the more I should hit it because that’s when I’m being real and transparent. Thanks for giving me one more nudge to not follow the crowd and just do my own thing.
I loved reading this: “I’m finally learning that when I’m truly authentic, when I forget about what everyone might think, those are the posts that readers really connect and engage with.” It’s so true. And some of the posts I really didn’t want to publish are now my favorites. Being scared of that publish button usually means we’re being really honest and vulnerable; it’s a great indication that we’re on the right track!
Your posts are always so spot on. Your vulnerability and authenticity are inspiring and encourages me to peel off my protective shell a little. Thank you for writing the truth when the rest of us are afraid to do so.
Rian,
I just read this and am so glad I did! I was both surprised and appreciative that you quoted my previous comment to you and responded to it. I feel so inspired and am taking your words very much to heart.
Thank you!
-Emily
Hi Emily, it’s great to hear from you again! Some comments just deserve an entire post ;) Thanks for your honesty. By the way, I think what you’re doing on your blog is fantastic–helping others navigate life is a very worthwhile goal. And you’re doing a fabulous job.
Hey Rian, that means a lot coming from you. Thank you for checking out my blog and for the encouragement :)
I think you would appreciate my most recent post entitled “eLIZabeth” which directly addresses the issue of feeling ‘less than,’ feeling like my blog can’t measure up, and everything else you so eloquently write about in “Crow Baby Crow.” In so many words, it reflects my efforts to overcome all of that, (which I think I have done by the end of the post). Hope you will check it out if you have a chance.
It’s the first time I’ve come across your blog, and boy am I glad I did! It’s nice to know that other people feel the same kinds of insecurities but can over come them.
The pic made me actually laugh out loud :D
Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I’m glad I could provide you with a good laugh :)
I enjoy reading your blog and have nominated you for the “One Lovely Blogger Award”. http://astimegoesbuy.me/2012/07/26/one-lovely-blogger-an-award/
Thank you for being fabulous!
Cheers,
Laura
Great post!!! many thanks!
Carla
Another thought-provoking lesson…You rock my world, Rian. xoxo
RIght back at ya, Tobi xx
This has to be my favorite post of yours so far. It took me a long time to realize that everyone else hadn’t figured out some special secret I would never discover. They simply faked it until they made it, to some degree or another.
Thanks, Becca. I’m glad you liked it :) Funny how we kind of hide that fact from one another for so long, isn’t it? Luckily, honesty begets honesty.
Well done! I’m a super newb at blogging, so thanks for showing me how it’s done! I would have hummed and hawed a bit about my skills or lack thereof, but now for some reason, I just feel too cocky. :O) Oh, and happy anniversary!
I admire your candour and wonderful insight. I have also recently started my own blog and struggled with that “opening phase” where judgement takes place. Reading stuff like this inspires me to be more frank and allow that raw unbridled character to shine through.