When is the last time you set out to fail? Fell flat on your face, looked like a fool, tried something risky and FAILED? Have you ever, even once, started something with the sole intention of failing?
My guess? No. We’re programmed from birth to succeed. From the cheer of our mothers as we take our first steps, to the straight “A’s” we strive for in school, all the way through our multi-faceted adult lives, we are smiling, studying, and sweating our way towards achievement. Yes, we sometimes fail. But it’s generally not purposeful. We’re so used to the idea of a grading scale that we internally score ourselves on such disparate things as work presentations and parenting skills. And the grade is usually dependent on the same criteria: how do others view our performance? Is my child screaming? Am I poised for a promotion? Are my parents proud of me? What do my neighbors think after that loud fight I had with my husband about his dirty socks? An “F” is something we fight like hell to avoid and try our hardest to forget. We are programmed to avoid failure at all costs and instead seek achievement like a drug. The usual result? Mediocrity. A very commendable “C.”
If you want to master your fear of failure, learn to snowboard. When my then boyfriend (now husband), and I moved to a small Canadian town five years ago, we took up snowboarding to pass the time and make the best of the massive snowfalls we faced during the winter months. In the beginning, I thought that I would absolutely, positively never get the hang of it. First of all, I had to figure out how to ride a T-Bar to the top of the mountain, which translated to sticking a small bar behind my thigh with one foot unstrapped while holding onto a tow line for fifteen unbearable minutes. I fell. Many times. In the beginning, I took out my friends, a small child, and a metal sign that read “No zig-zagging.” I would fall off and have to walk back down the mountain in humiliation. Once, I fell near the top and had to walk up until I was so out of breath, I just wanted to throw my board down and go home. I hit my head, I fell on my butt, I got whiplash, I careened into deep snow piles, I rolled head over feet. I did all of these things more times than I can count. And then, one day, I was able to do it. I was a snowboarder.
It may sound like that’s where the story ends. Fall. Get up. Repeat. But my real encounter with failure came later. We moved to Vancouver three years ago and said a fond farewell to T-Bars and a grateful hello to fast lift chairs and unbeatable terrain. I finally had the hang of snowboarding. Sometimes we would snowboard with people above my level, and sometimes with people below. And boy, did I love it when I could cruise at a moderate pace ahead of someone. That felt like achievement. And hadn’t I worked hard to earn it? I sure had. So I kept on cruising. Until I started to notice something. My chest would clench up with fear whenever the path was too straight and flat, whenever there were too many trees, too much ice, too many moguls. I would stop turning my board. I would slow down. I would sabotage myself.
I worked hard the first couple of years because I was fighting failure. I wanted to succeed at snowboarding, I wanted to stay up on the T-Bar, to stop hitting my head. Now I was playing it safe because I had no reason to fail. I could easily make it down most runs. Why should I risk hurting myself when I was an adequate snowboarder? But the safer I played it, the more I would feel that clench. You have to fail said a tiny voice. You have to fail so that you’ll stop being afraid of failure. I was using everything I’d worked so hard to achieve to keep myself perfectly safe and upright. I didn’t have to fall anymore so I tried my damnedest not to. My constant evaluation was one of risk and reward. There’s no tangible reward in careening off a jump and falling (literally) face first into the snow. It’s uncomfortable, painful even. So is sliding on a rail and falling on your butt or tumbling head first over an icy mogul. But that’s what I’ve been doing lately. Not really because I expect to master these things. I may never be able to do cool tricks or glide through tightly packed trees like a pro. That’s not the point. The more falls I learn to take, the stronger I become. The fear is dissipating because I’m no longer letting it control me; the clenching has eased. Failure has a fantastic side effect of making you less afraid.
I don’t have to tell you that this translates to all aspects of life. We achieve a comfortable position at work where we feel capable and are unlikely to be fired. So we stay right there. We convince ourselves that we already have enough on our plates, so we don’t take up salsa dancing or learn the violin. We date someone who matches all of the practical criteria we laid out for ourselves early in life. Not wanting to fail at another relationship, we continue on.
I urge you to try failing at something small this week, something inconsequential. Just to see what it feels like. Is it freeing, easy as pie, or more difficult than you imagined? We can all do with a bit more intentional failure in our lives. I certainly can. The next time I head up that mountain, I’ll be repeating this little mantra in my head: “Fail. Then fail harder.”
Practice makes perfect..It take 10000 times to perfection. Great post!
Yep, so true.
You should write a book!
Thanks! I might ;)
You really should write a book! I’d love to read it :)
What an interesting perspective on failure… I also tried snowboarding 2 years in a row but finally gave up, it was too hard, or maybe I am too averse to failure? It’s a good idea to face it to be more confident in general and more adventurous. I’ll try to fail at something this week :)
Oh, there were many times I also wanted to give up! In the end, I realized it’s important to stick to and keep working at something–it certainly doesn’t have to be snowboarding. Keep chipping away at something uncomfortable and challenging, whatever it may be. Big or small. Good luck!
After only 4 blog posts I’m convinced you need to write a book, which I would buy and gift to all of my friends! You are fabulous, and such a good read! Keep on keepin’ on! : )
Thank you ;) It’s certainly an idea I’ve been toying with for years. I appreciate the support. Hope you’re having a great day.
I do! I mean seriously.. that’s where i got ideas for my articles. My sister asked me once why I date if I’m sure about taking a lifetime singles card.. Told her just want a great travel experience before I hit off the road. After all, if it does end up the other way than I expected, the prize would be more worth it.
Life as a journey. Yes and yes :)
As I was teaching my kids to ski, they would invariably ‘brag’ that they could ski without falling. I would usually tell them it was because they weren’t trying hard enough. If you keep pushing the limits to reach new skills, you will fall down. You said it much more eloquantly.
What a wise father they have. There are some serious lessons to be taught through snow sports. Good for you for taking full advantage.
Loving your post! My mother taught me to get up and dust myself off and continue trying – give it your all per se!
What a wise mother you had. Too often we want to remain in repose–dusty and feeling sorry for ourselves. It sure is tempting.
This is a great inspirational post.
Thanks, I’m glad you got something out of it.
Fabulous! I fear failing, but more importantly I fear mediocracy!
I think mediocracy is a mighty fine thing to fear :)
Such a interesting perspective …I loved reading your post !!!
Thanks for reading!
Great post. Love your writing. Gives me something to think about.
Thinking is good ;)
Aahhh, something like frustration can ultimately breed contentment? I’ve had to lose face on so many things to gain the wisdom of their experience. Thanks for the reminder that failure is relative.
“Frustration ultimately breeds contentment.” I like that idea, though I’m not sure if I feel content after falling on my face. Maybe something more like proud? Energized? Less afraid? I’m going to muse on this for a bit…. Thanks for contributing!
Incredible advice!! Thank you! :o)
Thank you for stopping to say hi!
There’s a good old Barenaked Ladies song about falling for the first time. All about failing, a way. I am a terrible failer. Didn’t let me myself start earlier enough. And the thing is the longer you wait, the hard it gets to fail. I grew up in the Rockies and never did figure out how to ski. Took my first lesson six years ago and was the laughing stock of all the Brits when they heard I was from around those parts and hadn’t mastered the hills. But now, I’m old enough, a little failure is good for the complexion.
Enjoy the hills!
“A little failure is good for the complexion.” It is, indeed. How did your lessons go? By the way, I checked out your blog. Love it! I’ll pm you to talk more about it.
first day was great. Loved the view from the kiddie hill. Second day, I cried on the bus back home telling my husband I never ever wanted to do it again. Ever. Sniff. Sniff.
Third day, I almost felt like a skier.
There’s a photo somewhere of me heading right into the great Rocky Mountains forest.
Look forward to hearing from you- and so pleased you liked our little collective.
This post is perfectly timed for me. I just received my last rejection letter, 10 of 10, for grad schools.
At first, I was scared to apply because I didn’t want to fail. Now, I’ve failed, and oddly enough, I feel liberated. It’s weird but I feel like I could do anything now. I’m going to do it all again and apply for next year.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett
I thinks it’s wonderful that you’re going to do it all over again. This is where so many of us fall short in life. The rejection stings too much so we back down. You have to go up to bat again and again to hit a home run. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you!
Ah..and our amazing capacity to deny even obvious failures… :)
Hmm, I’d love to hear more about that…
Excellent point! “Fail. Then fail harder.” Many of us, including myself are afraid to fail, because we believe we will be judged by our failures. But sometimes failure feels like success, so why not “Fail harder.”
Thanks a lot for sharing. God bless.
Thanks for joining the discussion. I agree that judgment is a huge component of failure. Especially self-judgment.
Excellent blog! Visual artist go through this constantly. You put your soul out there every time you enter a competition knowing that you might be rejected. But then you might win best of show. You get rejected more than you win but the very shows that reject you are the ones that you want to win the most! Many artist cannot take it and drop out. I have reached a point where I paint what I want not what I think will win and I have changed the word rejected to not selected but I will always put my work out there!
Yes, what a good example. I used to be an actor, so I know this feeling all too well. The key is to really love the process of creation. If what you create fuels you, you’ll keep going back to it, whether or not you win. The icing on the cake is that the more you love doing what you do, the better and more adventurous you get, and the more likely it is that others will see your passion and like it too. Thanks for sharing.
amazing..one of my teachers taught me the same thing..the importance of failure…i was sooo scared of being alone, of being rejected, of doing badly, that i made myself comfortable with the mediocre position that i was in..as a result, there was no excitement in my life…but there was always this fear; this gut wrenching fear..it would hold my insides and make them feel like a knotty mess…when i realized that i was holding back wayy too much..your post has given me the inspiration for unclenching my hold on what i thought was a safe life..thank you soo much..i WILL take up something this week that gets me shitting in my pants..and i WILL overcome that fear..and when i do that, i will let you know..
Thank you :)
I hope that you can begin to unclench. In my experience, it’s easier to start off by applying the idea of “failing” to specific activities. Eventually, what you learn spills over into the rest of your life. It’s sort of like muscle memory. Please let me know what you do this week. I’d love to hear about it!
this week i had taken up two projects..one was to let go of my boyfriend…as in the need to hold on to him..it felt possessive and uncomfortable…i wanted to let go of the need for him in my life..i want to enjoy being single..and im on my way to doing that..it scares the shit out of me, but ive started to try :)
“I worked hard . . . because I was fighting failure.” God, isn’t that the truth — how hard the work is to fight failure, to remain composed, presenting the world with the edited and perfected version of yourself. I coach my kids about this regularly. And yet, it’s good and necessary to be coached. Love it. Keep it comin’.
Yes, we work so hard at being perfect. We are using muscles (both emotional and physical) we don’t even know we have to maintain that composure. How freeing to just let them go sometimes. It’s so fantastic that you pass those ideas onto your children. They don’t know how lucky they are to have such an insightful mother.
This post reflects my fear of failing of something I never even tried to do some months ago. That something was singing and looking back at all the countless auditions, voice lessons I thought I’d never sing in anything. Failing did make me stronger and the last show I did not only did I sing but had a solo. Remembering that its okay to fail is something that I continually wrestle with.
Man, wish I had been there to hear you, Steph. My secret dream has always been to sing. But you’ve probably heard me at some point, and would agree that that is one dream that should remain a dream ;) You are one of the bravest people I know, willing to try almost anything. You’re out there living life to the fullest, and your failures are what most people would view as triumphs. xx
Nice post. I know first hand the advantages of letting yourself fail. At the beginning of the year, I decided that the life I’d spent up until then establishing wasn’t making me happy. So, I quit. I quit my job and all the creature comforts to which I’d been clinging and moved interstate to search for some kind of contentment and meaning.
From our youngest ages we’re conditioned to consider quitting a type of failure. But recently I realised that this can sometimes be the only way to succeed at the bigger challenge of life. If you’re interested, you can read about my coming to this realisation here:
http://theyeariquitmylife.com/2012/02/05/the-benefits-of-quitting/
Best wishes, x
I really like your blog, Michelle. And I’d urge others to check it out. Very brave and observant! I’ll be following along as you make your way in the new, authentic life you’ve chosen for yourself.
Ah, grand. : ) Thanks for the kudos. x
What an awesome post. There are probably countless of opportunities I’ve passed up just because I fear failing, so I don’t even try.
I think we’d all kick ourselves pretty hard if we took stock of the many missed opportunities in life. But, the only way is forward….
Love this post. I’ve experienced the same thing with trapeze. I’m awful at it, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I think we need to fail to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
And I totally agree with all the other posts about a book, but I think you already knew that :)
Being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yes. And I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as being bad at trapeze. There’s only being a badass because you do trapeze.
Ha ha! You would think. But when you’re hanging upside in an awkward position, feeling like a preteen in a new, changing body, the last thing you feel is badass. That comes later when you are picking at the calluses on your hand.
Since my stroke, 2 years ago this May 7th, I have learned well how to fail. I do it all the time. And, in those failures, I have managed to succeed beyond the beliefs of a lot of folks. I had to resign my teaching position in February of this year, but not before I tried hard for 7 long months. It has taken a lot of failures to live this long and, now, with each success built on all those failures, the smallest things (walking down a flight of stairs) can make me proud of myself and smile so hard it almost hurts.
Namaste,
Scott – Kindredspirits
You know so much more about overcoming failure than most of us. Your story really makes me take stock of just what “success” means. We take the smallest things for granted, don’t we? I wish you luck and love as you continue your recovery.
I love this article, thank you for the well-written motivation! Very inspirational :)
Thanks for your comment. Stop by anytime!
Fantastic post. So inspiring. You write so eloquently, it’s quite inspiring.
Thank you for the kind words.
Great post! I enjoyed reading this one. Haha! It gives me something to think about. I like how you write. :) Keep blogging!
Thank you!
Love it! The key is fear, whenever we act with fear the driving force, we’re going to “fail” sooner or later. Rather than worry about outcome, embrace the process and know that the journey never truly ends, it’s just built on new beginnings. Keep it up Riann, beautiful blog. I have one myself and feel giving form to our voice through words, well, I call it “expression of self, expansion of happiness”. I’m am equally enthralled with your fuchsia heels, cupcakes and book you’re holding in your hand as I am your words (I prefer aviators, but ray bans a close second ;) If you’re curious here’s my blog…
http://anachel.wordpress.com/
Hi Kristy, thanks for your comment. I also dig aviators :) I visited your blog, and I can really relate to the question you posed about defining yourself for an audience. Especially when you’re blogging in order to process your world and better define yourself. Perhaps loose definitions are best–they give you a bit of wiggle room so that you can keep growing. And anyway, what’s a mold for, if not to break? Good luck on your blogging journey!
Thank you for checking it out, I feel the rumblings of change with it, but good rumblings. My whole life I pushed myself to conform into a mold and then a few years ago smashed the mold into tiny pieces (I wrote the Zombie poem) kind of like going to pieces without falling apart only to put myself back together again. I feel you’ve helped me a bit in finding the direction in why I’m here blogging. It’s not so much about the novels I’m writing, it’s about my renaissance life for which they are a part but not the whole, yet contribute to the full as I find my happy ending. And the fear of failing is no longer an issue. Keep up your writing, it is a gift for you just as much for those of us reading.
Nothing so humbling as snowboarding. You can be a world-class snowboarder but still land on your face on a run. I got slammed onto New Jersey’s icy mountain 10 years ago and my shoulder is still paying the price. I’m going to have to fail at something else. I really think that it benefits elementary-age kids to experience failure and just FEEL that feeling and recover and move on to the next goal. Great post!
Ouch! Poor shoulder. What you say is so true. And maybe it sometimes helps to physically feel failure in order to process it emotionally? To be so tired that you just let go?
Agree!
Thanks for this post! It´s great!! I will start to fail this week right away!! :-) Nothing as freeing as failing- I guess because I too have been raised to succeed, always and everywhere. I loved the part where it said “The more falls I learn to take, the stronger I become. … Failure has a fantastic side effect of making you less afraid.” And that´s the aim.
“I will start to fail this week right away!!” That’s not something you hear every day. I love it!
This was a lovely post and came at the right time for me :) Thank you!
Thanks for stopping by :)
Lovely post. I’ve reached your post after so many have already read it that I feel redundant now, telling you that it is ‘lovely’ (and I also want to echo everyone else’se sentiments that I love your writing style–but I won’t. I would hate to be redundant.).
I’m a bit of a perfectionist. If I know I can’t do something perfectly (my idea of perfect, anyway), I’m too scared to do it. I hate that. I had only actually come to this realisation last year, while doing my Honours degree at university, and being too afraid to actually get into my research for my thesis because I had been out of varsity for two years after graduating and felt inadequate being back, with (only slightly) younger students who seemed so much more on track with everything. As a result of this fear of failure, I’m still busy completing my Honours degree this year–the first time I’ve ever failed (academically). The reason for this fear is that I was too used to doing well at university. I was used to As and Bs, being amongst the top of my class. But in a new class, I wasn’t sure I was at the top anymore; and I was too scared to lose it, too scared to even find out if I could still maintain being ‘at the top’.
Your post reminds me of a quote I really love: “There’s nothing scarier than getting what you want; because then you really have something to lose.”
That’s a great quote, and so true. In fact, it ties into a future post I’m working on. I wish you luck and fortitude as you finish your degree. It seems to me that you have something very valuable that the younger students don’t: more life experience. Thanks for reading my post–come say hi anytime.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading.
Thaks for writting. you are great! keep it up.
Very interesting perspective regarding failure and fear to overcome the fear of failure. Thanks for the opportunity to view things differently.
Thanks for joining the discussion.
Very welcome
Another wonderful post – and I love the photos! You’re so right that failing does tend to make failing less scary! But it’s so nice and comfy right here, with my vodka… :)
Nothing wrong with alternating failure with a comfy couch ;)
This was encouraging! Thank you, once again, for sharing your wonderful words. And I agree with most of these guys…you should get a book in the works! Thanks for the post. And one more thing–that picture of Whistler Mountain=beautiful! I’d take on snowboarding just to see that view!
Thank you for the kind words. Whistler does look like a tiny slice of heaven on a sunny day. Maybe you should check it out one day ;)
So well said and such a great reminder. Thank you.
Thanks for saying hello.
You articulate your thoughts so well. The way you translate your experiences into words captures a lot of people. More wisdom for you! :)
I agree…Please write a book. You have a knack to see things which otherwise seem ordinary from a very different perspective. Cheers to you!
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This is a lovely young blog you’ve got going here. The concept of this post hits close to home for me as a practitioner of Bikram yoga. During many postures it’s not uncommon to get fatigued or lose your balance and “fall” out of the posture. And for so many people their goal is to just get to a point where they have the stamina and balance to hold the posture for its duration. Once they achieve that, coming out of a posture early – for whatever reason – then seems like a failure. While they tend to look strong and pretty doing it, they’re actually missing the point of the practice. I was stuck in that mental trap for a time. If you just keep doing what you can already do, you will remain the same. The truth is that falling out of a posture means you’re pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. And that’s never a failure because it’s only when we step outside of our comfort zones that we can create the space in our minds and hearts and bodies for change.
I love your blog! All your posts are amazing!
What a great post! I think that our society teachers us from a young age to feel failure.. and at the same teaches us to be content with mediocracy. We want to avoid failure so much that we are willing to sacrifice our high potential just because of the risk of it not working out. Way to take risks! Let’s remember not to succumb to the fear failure in any aspect of our lives :)
I failed at something recently. It was something big and really important, at least to me! And it was very, very painful and very, very sad. I don’t want to ever experience failure again.
What an interesting point you got ! It’s true that society nowadays rolls mostly on the system of getting to a position where you think you earn enough and won’t get fired and then staying there.
Personally, I have never tried snowboarding ( my closest contact with it must have been when I was skiing and a snowboarder suddenly flew over my head, I have no idea where he came from, but it sure did startle me :) ).
Continue with the great posts.
My Best Wishes, Peter.
I know this has been said before, but I really enjoyed reading this post! I’m so glad that you talk about failure and how its okay to fail. I don’t think enough people talk about the lessons you learn from failure. Also your post reminded me of a quote from Sir Ken Robinson “if you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.”
I’m a fourth year student at university and even sometimes I feel like professors don’t emphasize that its okay to fail. But I guess it depends on what a person’s definition of failure is. And I’ve worked with first year students and its alarming sometimes how mentally fragile some of them are because they aren’t used to ‘failing’.
I really hope more students read your post! It’s awesome and thought provoking!
I grew up in a family where success was the most important thing. Do well in exams…improve at your hobbies…balance things perfectly. As you can imagine, I wasn’t long out of university when I had my first encounter with serious failure…and didn’t know how to cope. Not only had I thought that failure was something that happened to other people, I also have some sort of failure phobia, and I found it tough picking myself up after a setback and trying again. Thankfully I think I’m learning lessons now and getting the hang of dealing with setbacks.
I think I’m willing to take more risks and tackle setbacks. Thanks so much for a blog post that reminds us about how wonderful a failure or two can be. :)
Well, what doyouknow, I failed miserably twice today. It was so easy.
at my age I have it down to an art.
This is so inspiring!
I absolutely love your blog!!! I always have an edge to overcome my fears… Life is boring without trying something new, taking risks and stepping out of the box!
Ohhhhh YES. I definitely limit myself because of a fear of failure. Thanks for a great read.
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