I wasn’t sure when I would start blogging again. Would it be a few months or a year or would the time stretch on and on and on indefinitely? I know the answer now. You write when you can’t not write any longer. When the pieces of your heart have mended enough to hold the words.
My heart’s a little leaky but it’s got space and love and a whole lotta desire.
It’s time.
Divorce is a mofo. And it’s a redeemer. My divorce gets filed away somewhere between soap opera extraordinaire and everyday heartbreak. Because no matter the details, the shape of the betrayal, losing the person you loved is hard. Rebuilding your life is painstaking work.
I now understand how contrast works. It sits somewhere in my bones.
You can be the saddest you’ve ever been in your life and overwhelmingly grateful. You can ache with loss while the dormant parts of your body come back to life.
You can blame and take the responsibility. You can be angry and soft. You can love big and say: “Enough. Come no further.”
You can hate and you can desire. You can move on even when you’re not really there yet.
Contrast is freedom.
If you can trust that there is always more good on the way (because there is), you can stand in the tornado and let it tear away what isn’t serving you. It’s scary to let go when you don’t yet know what will replace it. If I give up my partner, my home, my concept of who I am as this person, who will I be in the future?
Who am I now?
That’s the power of letting go. You get to see who you really are. When you’re no longer afraid of losing, you realize you can never really lose anything.
You take it all with you. It is you.
Last year, I told my story to a group of amazing people. I said that I felt like my heart stopped the day my marriage ended and that it was just starting to beat again.
Someone very wise turned to me and said, “Your heart never has to stop beating again.”
At the time, I couldn’t absorb it, was even a little angry. “Why can’t you just let me feel my pain?”
I get it now. Like ‘no turning back’ get it.
When you learn to love yourself, you become the keeper of your heart. And when you learn to trust, you give up needing to know how the story’s going to end. Life becomes your lover.
No one person holds power over you. No job. No group of friends. No role you play. No paycheck. No title.
You are the creator of your life.
And when you claim all of your power–all of it, every last drop–back from all of those scattered places. When you learn to say, “I give you my love but not my power, I give you my time but not my identity,” you break the spell.
You are free.
And free feels pretty damn magical. And a little scary.
Contrast.
As I hit publish, I embrace the contrast here. I am really, really ready and slightly hesitant. Whole and slightly raw. Channeling wisdom and constantly learning. Ending and beginning. But mostly I am grateful. For all of it. Every last contradiction.

Hey there! (Photo by Sachin Khona)
And I’m glad to be here, with you.
Let’s begin (again), shall we?
<3

Glad to see you back x
Rian, I have so missed your pearls of wisdom through your beautiful writing. Sorry to hear of your divorce, I’m going through a reasonably new separation and this post is so timely and relatable to where I’m at too. Love and light from Australia! x
P.S. Such a beautiful pic! And thank you for opening up to blogging again x
Thank you. Sending you love. xx
beautiful post, thank you for sharing!
You’ve been missed. Thanks for sharing.
Hey L! Thanks. I’ve missed you too.
Hi Rian! I was so excited when I got an email notification about truthandcake, it has been awhile but I was saddened with your news. I hope you are doing well. Sending you all the love and welcome back.
I’m doing very well. Thanks, Guen. Nice to “see you.” <3
You have been missed! This is beautiful and painful and amazing. Welcome back.
Your blog is beautiful and your writting is so nice. I’m glad to be able to read you <3
Lovely post x
Well, there was a surprise in my inbox this morning! I had wondered if something terrible had happened to you. It did and I am glad to see you are on the mend. However things turn out, love is always worth it or, rather, the vulnerability that comes with it. Or so I think. Welcome back to your virtual community.
I too have been wondering why you stopped blogging and hoped everything was ok. So sorry about your divorce, but happy you are rediscovering yourself as you. Welcome back!
Beautiful post. Glad you’re back. Can’t wait to see what you do next.
Hi, Rian! I’m very sorry to hear about your divorce, but feel really amazed at your strength in staying away from the blogging until you had started to heal. There are many different ways to do things, of course, and no one of them is the only way, but in your place I would probably have leaned a lot on my audience, or tried to, and possibly have driven away some folks who had troubles of their own and didn’t need my grief too. I hope you find many, many things to replace the old parts of your life with, and I think you will, because you are an “upbeat” kind of gal. Good luck to you, and nice to hear from you again.
Wow. We are kindred spirits. So glad you are writing.
I am absolutely in LOVE with this quote: “If you can trust that there is always more good on the way (because there is), you can stand in the tornado and let it tear away what isn’t serving you.”
so much truth in that statement….powerful!
xo
I missed your blogging so much and my partner of 6 years/fiancé just became my ex. So it means very much to me to see your return. I hope you are doing ok. As for me, I don’t know how to function most days. :/
Sorry to hear that, Amber. There’s a lot of goodness around the corner. And there’s a lot of goodness in the process. Stay in it. Sending you love and strength. xx
Reblogged this on quill takes flight and commented:
My favorite blog for years. And of course she had the perfect words. 💜
Words of wisdom for life. It’s so hard to go through difficult times but the learning one arrives at as you trudge through the valley, is so deep and affirming that all you’re left with afterwards is gratitude and grace. Thanks for the clarity and hope in your words.
Oh, Rian. While I am thrilled to have you back, I’m saddened by your heartache. Call it intuition, but I had a feeling there was a big reason why you disappeared into the blog ether (I tried to reach out a few times to let you know you were missed) and I’m so sorry for the hurt you’ve been going through. Your words were always inspiring and thought-provoking and I’m very excited you’ve decided to return to blogging. Long live Truth and Cake and Rian! *hugs*
Thanks, Jessica. I’m hugging you through the computer. I’ve missed you!
Wise words and lovely post!
Welcome back!
Welcome back! I missed your blog!
Glad you’re back! Best wishes
I would say, “welcome back;” but if I read your post correctly, you’ve already figured out that you never really left. Still, I look forward to reading future posts from you :-)
Yeah! When we realize we are the creators of our subjective life, we step into an elevated position born of both possibilities and culpability. What can possibly be more liberating than THAT?
I am so happy to read your words again, Rian.
Wow. That takes a lot of strength and courage. I wish you all the best and I’m so glad you’re back. You’re a beautiful writer. God bless, love!
http://adornedinarmor.com
Glad to have you back, I just looked at your site the other day and asked “Where is she?” Sending you love as you end and begin again!
Tiffany
http://www.trebecca.net
Hot DAMN! That’s good.
Hey Rian,
Glad to see that you are back. I just simply loved this post. You did an excellent job. I know my situation doesn’t even start to compare, but I had to go through something similar at the beginning of the year. When my crush of eight years, told me that he didn’t love me. But, he still wants to be in my life. Now, I’m desperately trying to begin again.
Hope you are okay and doing well.
Lots of Love,
– Ainsworth :-) , Xx
“When you learn to say, “I give you my love but not my power, I give you my time but not my identity,” you break the spell.”
This is beautiful advice, and one that I’m currently working towards achieving due to circumstances in my life! Thank you!
Welcome back Rian….I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad that you are back:)
“That’s the power of letting go. You get to see who you really are. When you’re no longer afraid of losing, you realize you can never really lose anything.
You take it all with you. It is you.”
Best thing I heard in a long time, especially because I completely understand. When I went through my break up I help a giant hole in my chest. I would be at work and all of a sudden I would start to hyperventilate. The whole room would start spinning and there was nothing I could do.
It took a conversation with my 18 year old brother one night to check me into place. He told me, “You will make it out of this with a smile in your face. You were the most amazing, most strong person before him, and your going to be perfect after him.”
If my little brother was able to see this side of me that I thought was lost, why couldn’t I? So I let everything go. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t still cry myself to sleep on some night, but letting go, those nights became less frequent,
As cliché as it sounds and I want to punch people every single time I hear it, it’s true, time does heal. The scars are there to remind us of our strength and what we have over come, but we no longer have open wounds. It’s just a matter of letting it go and not picking at them.
Welcome back, thanks for the great post.
Wise lady, wise words.
I’m through a lot of pain right now, and your post just made me smile. So thank you :) And keep moving on, that’s the key. The key is, as you said before, to love yourself. And that is something i am working on.
Love from France ;)
beautiful.
Welcome back Rian. Your writing is beautiful and I believe you will find solace in doing something you love; taking it back as you said. Your words are as inspiring as they are motivational.
It’s been too long! welcome back, Rian!
Welcome back, Rian! <3 As a divorcee myself, I wholeheartedly agree that divorce is a mofo and a redeemer. Contrast and contradiction, duality of life that lets us bring our selves closer to truth as we find the path with heart. Begin again and again and again as it brings you closer to truth, and the truth ripples. Looking forward to where you take Truth and Cake as you've found your vein of gold.
Yes, let’s begin again. You will always speak to my soul, and I’m grateful to be on this journey together, with you <3 We will always be connected, by the sun, the moon, and the stars…I love you.
It’s very courageous of you to be so extremely honest about how you feel!! I admire that and I wish I could be more honest to myself and the people around me about how I feel.
👍👍👍 Rian! That’ s life…. we’re constantly evolving and taking lessons as human creatures, provided we want, of course…I agree on everything with you… I feel you….
I’m sorry for the pain it has caused you, but I’m glad you have the resilience to start anew. I’m really happy that you’re back! :)
Thanks, Patsy :)
Beautiful voice. Beautiful soul. Beautiful you.
Lovely writing; thank you for sharing.
I began reading your blog a few years ago. When it went silent, I wondered what happened. I checked back periodically to see if you returned. I wondered if something terrible had happened. I wondered if you got bored and moved on. For what it’s worth, my heart feels for you. Divorce is damaging, but I am so, so, so glad to see you back, to read your words, and to see you healing. God bless and welcome back. You were missed.
I discovered your blog a month ago. I scrolled through your posts and thought that they were wonderful and wished that you would post again.
Today it was intriguing to see a new post from you and as I read it, it touched my heart.
“When you learn to love yourself, you become the keeper of your heart.” This sentence really spoke to me. I struggle with loving myself every day, but just that tiny bit of ‘in your face’ helped me to realize that I get to choose to love myself and accept myself. The power is in me.
So, thank you!
Your words bring a fresh cool breeze to the tormented souls…A very inspiring post
Thank you
My heart is aching and singing all at once. How is it possible that I cherish you more today than yesterday?
Begin again and enjoy every magical moment you create in your bold and beautiful life sweet girl:).
Love you, mom. <3
Very first blog post I ever read, very first blog I ever followed. I have missed you dearly. I didn’t know about the divorce. If you blog about that one, I missed it. In a sense, it really pains me to have you go through it. I read post after post how much you were in love, all the places you went, and all the things you did. I was never jealous (well, a bit, perhaps) of hubby, but I was thrilled for you and all that you had.
I have been divorced twice. It doesn’t really get better; you simply know a bit more of what will happy and how to, hopefully, limit the hurt and loss. But it will hurt and it will cause loss. Your words are what I would tell someone talking to me about it. There will come that time when you own up and take your life back. You will see this as heading forward not retreating or standing still.
I remember reading your posts and thinking, “Gosh, I am in love with this woman.” And, I guess, I was, not in a creeps sort of way, just a fact, the same way one falls for an actress or a character in a story. You were just someone who really resonated with me and that made me feel wonderful. So, I can say this with true intent:
He was the loser here. He had someone he should have worked hard to keep.
Live your life; find someone more suited to you.
Scott
Thanks, Scott. You’ve always been the sweetest and the wisest. Obviously nothing’s changed. ;) I’m glad to be back and I’m grateful for the new perspective. There are so many good things arriving every day. Your words are just one example. <3
Welcome back. Lovely words. X
GAWD, I have missed you. I can’t wait to hear more from your new perspective. Lots of love to you <3 xoxoxo
Tobi! Man, I’ve missed you. Big love to you, my friend. xxxxx
Welcome back! When I saw a post from you in my inbox it actually made me smile. I’ve missed your beautiful words!
Thanks, Amber! I’ve missed you too.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this – as I’ve experienced divorce, myself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts & heart with those of us reading. What a pleasure!
Heartbreak is debilitating…
we meet people in life whom we.. want to keep with us forever.. but it’s not good to live in the hope that they think the same way.. maybe you are searching your happiness in them and they are searching theirs in someone else :(
So Sorry about your divorce. You wrote something that not a lot of people realized: to built a couple, first you have to built yourself, begining with love, care, and treat yourself with some mercy, life is not easy…. To write is a way of let go…. Is a relief… Welcome back , Rian!
Xoxo
Carla
Http:/ sercuriosa.worpress.com
This is beautiful and I am so happy to have discovered your blog today. I recently wrote about my experience with divorce and can relate to so much of what you wrote in this post. I look forward to reading more of your work and I am sending you all the best vibes.
Best, Cindy
https://cindywithbooks.wordpress.com/published-work/
Oh yes, I am so ready to read from Truth and Cake again :) I’m happy to know you are welcoming and embracing this contrast. Sending love and prayers your way <3
So glad to read you again; I have missed your words and insights. I actually checked your blog a couple of times to make sure I hadn’t missed anything :) I have walked the same road as you in the last couple of years and know some of what you have seen along the way; despite other changes – your soul and your writing remain in tact I see! Wishing you peace and true happiness on the next leg of your roadway… b
Thank you, Bonnie. So nice to hear from you. I’ll see you out there on the road.
“You are the creator of your life.” This is so true! I just found your blog and I appreciate the realness in your story. Heartache is a mofo, but there is always opportunity that goes along with it. A chance to start again and remind yourself that you are in control of your life. <3
Beautiful Post :)
I am glad I have started reading you when you have started all fresh, with great energy. Have a rollicking new life… look forward to your writings.
Just started with wordpress a few days ago, writing and reading for the first time – and this was such a great post to come across, thank you for sharing. It essentially sums up some recent realizations and the reason I started writing myself (“when you can’t not write”!). Apparently when life turns upside down, you may completely lose yourself, or you may find this boundless, self-generated inner love and outer freedom to reach beyond what you had (perhaps unconsciously) confined yourself in. I look forward to following your thoughts along this journey :)
”I get it now. Like ‘no turning back’ get it.
When you learn to love yourself, you become the keeper of your heart. And when you learn to trust, you give up needing to know how the story’s going to end. Life becomes your lover.
No one person holds power over you. No job. No group of friends. No role you play. No paycheck. No title.
You are the creator of your life.”
These moments of epiphany are wonderful and seem to put everything into place. Unfortunately I tend to forget everything I learn from these moments… I’ll set myself weekly reminders.
Thank you.
I was vulnerable for the longest part of my life. Vulnerable how? Emotionally. I felt sad on a constant basis and it felt like it would be an everlasting cycle of misery and acceptance of that misery. Everything got to me. My heart was essentially a punching bag and it was bombarded with negative emotions.
I never thought about why it was that I got sad. I’d just focus on getting over the sadness and not think about preventing it. I felt trapped. Then I realized that certain things in life are volatile. I have only so much control over my life.
The rest is left to the universe to handle. Once that was ingrained into my brain life just got easier. As cliched as it sounds, I went with the flow. Instead of questioning why certain things happened to me and why I should wallow in that misery, I chose to let it pass through me. In through one ear and out through the other.
Reblogged this on The Closet Optimist and commented:
A good blog is a blog that inspires people to write and this blog certainly does that.
I’m beyond glad to be able to read your words again, Rian! You’ve been greatly missed. Welcome back! :)
Thanks, Stephanie. <3
It’s good that you’re back, Rian. I’d noticed your silence and hoped that you were OK. I guess that for a time you weren’t, which I’m sorry to hear.
Be gentle with yourself. I look forward to reading new posts from you again.
I related to this part especially: “When you learn to love yourself, you become the keeper of your heart. And when you learn to trust, you give up needing to know how the story’s going to end. Life becomes your lover.
No one person holds power over you. No job. No group of friends. No role you play. No paycheck. No title.
You are the creator of your life.”
Nice job! :)
That was beautiful and I believe I needed to read this today. For the longest time I depended on others to love me, appreciate me and make me happy. There was a time when it no longer satisfied me even though I had plenty of amazing people who were willingly doing just that. I desperately wanted to be someone else because someone else was always more successful, better looking, intelligent and saner. One day, standing under the shower I realized I could never be someone else. But instead of being sad, it made me happy because nobody else could be me either. For the first time in years I saw myself as the wonderful, unique person I am and fell head over heels in love with myself. That was the most liberating experiences of my life.
“When you learn to love yourself, you become the keeper of your heart. And when you learn to trust, you give up needing to know how the story’s going to end. Life becomes your lover…
And when you claim all of your power–all of it, every last drop–back from all of those scattered places. When you learn to say, “I give you my love but not my power, I give you my time but not my identity,” you break the spell.”
I’m still learning how to do that….. thank you for your wise words Rian. Much love from middle earth xo
This article was truly inspiring. We can never tell who is it that we’re going to lose or walk out of our lives. I was saddened to read about your divorce but it’s nice to hear that you’ve learned to pick yourself up and move one. The toughest situations should bring out the best in us. More power to you!
Thanks for the words. I will need time to digest them, but at first bite, I like what you have to say.
There’s a kind of splendid bravery in your writing that I haven’t come across in any other blog. Keep going!