I am, and always have been, a girly girl. Lipstick, sparkly shoes, wavy hair, pink anything–j’adore it all. As a child, my grandparents nicknamed me “dolly” because I was constantly dressed in bonnets and ruffly dresses and little bows. Athletic? Not a chance. P.E. was my least favorite class and running the mile my own personal version of hell. When it came to hobbies, I preferred acting to soccer, reading to throwing a ball. In my twenties, yoga was my workout of choice, along with the occasional, painful (short) run on the treadmill. So no one was as surprised as I was when I signed up to do Tough Mudder, a male dominated 12 mile, 20 obstacle run that dubs itself “probably the toughest event on the planet.” A run that includes mud and fire, bruises and electric voltage.
I’ve spent the last two years working out and getting strong: running, crossfitting, weight lifting, and kettle bell swinging until my arms feel like they might fall off. But even with this new foray into the world of fitness, I just didn’t see myself “that” way. You know, the badass way. The, “I can scale walls and run really far and scrape myself up” kind of way. In my mind, I was still “dolly,” the precious, bow wearing girly girl who would rather play it safe inside with a book.
I used to think Tough Mudder people were crazy, that they had taken their love of fitness and challenge to an unhealthy level. Who would want to put themselves through all of the painful crap? What were they trying to prove, exactly?
And then I signed up for it. And I trained for it. And, afterwards, mud covered and bruised and tired, I totally got it.
Tough Mudder is a race against yourself. It isn’t timed. There’s no one checking in on you. It’s a chance to do all of the things you were pretty sure you weren’t capable of doing. For me, that initially meant proving that I could be tough and messy and strong. But it ended up being more than that.
I’m claustrophobic. I can’t go in enclosed water slides or hang out in tight, tiny spaces. The idea of certain activities–like scuba diving and spelunking–makes my skin crawl. So when I saw that there were three claustrophobic obstacles at Tough Mudder, I was convinced I would run right past them. Just visualizing crawling through the water filled tube called “Boa Constrictor” made my heart race and my stomach churn.
I told myself I could skip it. Because why torture yourself into doing something that terrifies you, right? Why put yourself through this:
When you could be at home enjoying brunch in your pajamas? I would do Tough Mudder, sure, but with a few tiny exceptions.
As we started running, I negotiated with myself: “Well, maybe you can do one of the claustrophobic obstacles or even two. That would be good enough. If you do that, you don’t have to do the Boa Constrictor.” I swam through ice water and trekked through a mile of mud and got shocked over and over again while crawling through shallow water. Some of it (electric shocks, hello?) was downright painful. But I was doing it. I was running up a mountain and tackling tough, dirty stuff. So I went through the first (and least scary) claustrophobic obstacle. And I kept running. And jumping. And crawling. And scraping. And eventually we came to the Boa Constrictor.
I crouched down and looked into that water-filled tube. My heart stopped. I wanted to do it but I knew I couldn’t. I got up and walked the length of the pipe to see where the people dropped out of the first tube into the water and where the second, slanted pipe began. No way. My teammates had finished. Not wanting to hold them back, I reconciled myself to running again. I’d told myself that I could skip it, so I would.
And then it hit me, square in the chest: maybe it’s time for my fears to stop controlling what I can and can’t do. I turned around and raced back to the starting point. I picked an outside tube where the water was a little lower and threw myself in. I crawled and swam and crawled again. And just like that, it was over. I leapt out of that second tube feeling like I might burst with happiness. No amount of mud or mileage could make me feel as powerful as facing one of my oldest fears in the eye and saying, “F you, claustrophobia.”
The rest of the race was just icing on the cake. Wet, dirty, delicious icing.
For most of us, it’s not our bodies but our brains that hold us back: I’m too weak, too old, too fat, too girly, I’m scared of heights, claustrophobic, not a runner, that’s not my “thing.” We become so warm and cozy inside of these assumptions that we allow them to define us. Outside of our assumptions lie the scary, unknown things: the tiny tubes and electric volts and the great, big personal risks like moving or starting a company or starting over. What would we do if there was nothing holding us back? Who could we become?
I’m still bumping along on that journey, trying to look all of the scary things in the eye until they’re not so scary. But on this leg, I learned something pretty cool: I can be a bow wearing girly girl and a badass. It isn’t either/or. I can do anything I want. I just have to give myself permission to try.
What assumptions are holding you back? What would it feel like to challenge them?
That is awesome! I have a friend who runs the warrior dash here in Portland and it sounds similar. You’re a badass girly girl, there are many of us out there ;) My friend is a make-up artist for MAC as well as free lances, her company is called “Badass Makeup”. I agree with your views in that the only true obstacles are the self-imposed kind. So, for me, dating after divorce. I’ve been staring that fear in the eye for a bit now, but I feel “he” would be icing on the cake to this new beginning of mine. I hope you have a happy 4th, Rian!
Love is one of the riskiest endeavours of all, isn’t it? I wish you so much luck and courage in finding that tasty “icing,” Kristy. Happy 4th to you as well!
Oh my… Electric shocks? My worst nightmare. I can’t even plug appliances into electric sockets without closing my eyes (most irrational fear ever). How did you do it!?
Ha, the image of you closing our eyes to plug in the toaster is so cute, Patsy :) I’ll tell you the answer: A couple of people told me that they didn’t hurt so I charged right through them. Turns out, they hurt. But by that point, I was almost through. Sometimes ignorance is bliss ;)
That looks amazing! Scary, but amazing! Congrats on completing it :)… and now you’ve time to don your pjs, grab a cup of tea & relax in front of the tv *bliss*
http://www.mancunianvintage.com
Ah, yes. The yang makes the yin that much sweeter. I do love my pjs :)
So many of your posts hold meaning for me. They seem to come at exactly the right times! Thank you.
Cool, glad to hear it :)
Tough Mudder is coming to Germany next year and I’m dead keen on doing it even though I’m just as freaked out by some of the obstacles as you were.
Funny you should point out that most obstacles we think we can’t overcome are really only in our minds. Which is exactly why I started my blog where I’m setting challenges for myself on a weekly level. So many people around me keep saying “I could never do this”, where “this” ranges from no longer drinking coffee to moving to another country. I don’t want to be weighed down by my own inhibitions. There is too much out there in the world that I might miss.
You’re badass. :)
Weekly challenges, that sounds very cool. You’re so right that what constitutes a “challenge” really varies from person to person. It doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it stretches you past your comfort zone. Good luck with yours!
Well done! I have done something similiar in Cape Town called the Impi Challenge. It is such a feeling of accomplishment once you complete something out of your comfort zone. You have reminded me to go enter something and challenge myself once more xx
The Impi Challenge, that sounds cool. I’ll have to look into that next time I’m out your way. It would be fun (and so beautiful) to do a race in Cape Town. Congrats on meeting your own challenge!
Good for you!!!
I used to do a lot of hillracing and x-country in Scotland, which involves getting sodden & muddy but in a less-formalised way to the Tough Mudder races. When I’m back in the USA I think I’ll try one out.
For me I guess things went in the opposite way. I grew up as a stereotypical tomboy who played soccer with the boys in the playground, ran, cycled in the rain and lifted weights. Then I stumbled into ballroom dancing and realised that I *could* be graceful, sexy and elegant – without compromising my principles.
In a professional context I had to batter down some self-imposed assumptions about my abilities as a scientist who could successfully conduct independent research. I wasn’t able to make decisions on my own because I lacked self-confidence…and because I lacked self-confidence I wasn’t able to make decisions on my own. A change of scenery and the decision to “just try, anyway” was all it took to show that I had a far greater skillset than I thought. Defeating my assumptions did wonders for my self-esteem personally & professionally.
When I think of a badass, you definitely come to mind, Claire. I love that you do hill racing and ballroom dancing. A change of scenery is a *great* way to break out of old patterns. Every time I’ve moved, I’ve reinvented myself a little (or a couple of times, a lot). Now I’m sort of trying to navigate those changes without the change of scenery. I’m looking forward to hearing about your impending journey. I’m very excited for you.
Thanks for this article, Rian. While I am neither exactly a “girly girl” nor a “tough mudder,” I can appreciate the part about moving beyond one’s self-created boundaries. Congratulations on expanding your horizons and getting past your fears (my turn next, I guess).
Yes! You’re up ;)
I’m a girly girl but also a runner. This sounds like a lot of fun to me! Well done :-)
What a rock star you are, Rian! Being claustrophobic myself, it was very hard to read about those tiny tunnels, but I’m glad you were able to conquer your fear and get through them. You may have inspired me to sign up for a Color Run, but it will be a long time before I consider a Tough Mudder. Until then, keep posting about your participation and I’ll live vicariously through you. ;)
Color Runs are super fun. I just did one in Chicago a couple of weeks ago. Definitely go for what appeals to you. I love that there are so many “out of the box” races these days. You don’t just have to run 5, 10 or 20k–you can do it while throwing color or wearing glow necklaces or trekking through the wilderness. I love that!
You give celebration to “exposure therapy” but I always knew you were a badass dressed up in pink clothing. Pushing through some new territory myself. It is exhilarating! But you can only experience it from…experience.
I couldn’t be prouder if you were my own.
Marsella, you always make my accomplishments feel bigger and brighter. Thanks for that :) And I’m excited to hear about this new territory/exhilaration. Go, you!
Speaking of challenging assumptions. I am reading a provocative book a cancer survivor recommended to me called “Cancer is Not a Disease” which turns traditional treatments on their ears. It’s getting me to look at this in a whole new way and I’ve found some value in it. Take what you want from it and leave the rest…it’s information. I’m with you on this journey. xxback
Thank you <3
BOOM!
Yes! Well done, I know that feeling of achievement having done the (not as bad ass but nearly) Wolfrun. I did it with work friends, who probably know me more for my lipgloss, but I went for it. I almost enjoyed the mud more as I knew it wasn’t often I had to submerge myself in it! And it’s quite addictive…I’ve been looking at bigger, more challenging events…
Anna
The Wolf Run–I’ve never heard of it but I *love* the name. You’re right–we don’t often get a chance, as adults, to play in the ooey gooey mud. It’s fun! Good luck on your next big challenge. P.S. I totally put on lipgloss before I did TM. You? ;)
Haha, just a little bit. I kinda used the mud as make up to cover my red face too! The Wolf Run is 10k and their line is that is like running in the wild. Lot’s of fun and not too scary.
Anna x
Oooh, Rian – you ask the most outright, necessary questions: what assumptions are holding me back? The assumptions that nag at me most are a.) that others judge the fact that I have chosen to step away from conventional employment to pursue a more creative career, and b.) I assume that I am always missing out on something better. This second assumption can be inspiring, in that it encourages me to seek new opportunities, but it also keeps me from appreciating the present moment sometimes.
To challenge these assumptions would result in a number of things…initially, I think I would experience a LOT of doubt, but I can only imagine that persistently pursuing them would be liberating. To look these lies in the eye and say, you do not have all of the power – what others think of me does not have all of the power – and what I am or am not doing does not hold all of the power. Liberating, for sure.
Tough Mudder?? Way to go, girl! You sound pleased and proud, which is so vital after taking on such a challenge.
Thanks for sharing these, Laura beth. I can SO relate to both a and b, as they are two of my biggies as well. As you say, “persistant pursuit” seems to be the name of the game. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it *does* happen. Good luck as you challenge these assumptions and, little by little, taste that sweet liberation. I’m rooting for you.
Oh how I’ve missed your posts. Its funny my juxtaposition of girly girl and badass, but you’ve put me to shame. I guess wearing cameo and knowing how to spell Harley Davidson does not a badass make. I’ve seen this on reality shows. Kudos to you for making the mud your real reality.
Were tutus not allowed?
Tutus…hmm, may have to look into that for next time ;)
Ahhh you are my hero!!! Look at you – you are radiating (well deserved) pride in that last picture. I just started training myself, sort of. (Hiking 30-40 miles/week.) Not sure for what, yet, though… Actually, that’s a lie. It just occured to me recently that the ‘dream life’ I’ve ALWAYS envisioned for myself involved me being really fit, and I feel my best when I’m outside and active – so why not make it happen NOW? At the risk of sounding insanely cheesy, when I’m out there, I feel like I’m walking towards my future, even though I’m not sure what’s around the bend.
“when I’m out there, I feel like I’m walking towards my future, even though I’m not sure what’s around the bend.” I LOVE this. It doesn’t sound cheesy at all. Some of the best things I’ve ever discovered or accomplished were the result of trying something out and having absolutely no idea why I felt compelled to do it in the first place. If I’ve learned anything in the last couple of years, it’s to go after the stuff that feels right–the ‘why’ of it all will come later. Personally, exercise has had a huge domino effect in my life–it’s made everything better. I wish I could join you on one of those epic hikes (30-40 mile a week?! Go, you!). I’m sure we’d have some interesting conversations ;)
I will be doing tough mudder in Houston in October. I am so scarred!!!!! It will be a group of us going and I am the only female in the group.What scares me the most are heights and my contacts popping out. I am excited and nervous at the same time. After reading your post I feel more confident and know everything will go well. Thanks!!
Ha! One of my friends was worried that his contacts would pop out, but luckily, they stayed in. Here’s a tip I only heard yesterday (way too late)–during the electric eel–that’s where you crawl through the water and get shocked–go *behind* someone else if you don’t want to get the everliving daylights shocked out of you. I went first and it hurt. Apparently, the wires take a few seconds to recharge, so if you stick close behind someone else, you should be good. I’m so excited for you. Have fun!
I am claustrophobic so I understand all of that so completely. I don’t know if my stroke has unhooked that particular filter or not; if so, not completely.
The biggie for me, though, is heights, and I can’t handle them. I become physically unable to continue. Now, since the stroke and my balance being off, it’s simply not safe for real, so I may never know.
However, what I have done and it has been quite an ordeal for me, is that when I play my video games, I, intentionally, jump off the high places, I scale the mountains, I walk the cliffs. It usually makes my body sweat and get scared and my heart pumps, but, I think, this is good for me. I am training my brain and, as you said, that is the problem.
Good for you,
Scott
It’s kind of tough to test out your claustraphobia–luckily, there aren’t a lot of everyday situations that involve tight spaces. I hear you on the heights–my mom has always been afraid of heights and it’s been really cool to watch her challenge that fear over time. It’s definitely a process. Video games–that’s a cool idea to get your brain used to the idea of being up high and taking risks. Sort of like more intense visualizations :) And more fun!
Good for you!! I’m a new follower and I love this blog! :) Thanks for the interesting post!
jayandbee.com
I’m doing tough mudder tomorrow and had convinved myself I couldn’t do the Boa Constrictor and your blog post could have been written by me! However, after reading this I’m gonna give it everything tomorrow and even possibly do the Boa Constrictor, as long as I’ve got one bestie in front and one behind!
Thanks for the inspiration!! x
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I’ve always wanted to sign up for Tough Mudder but my fear of not being able to complete certain obstacles like the Everest one or jumping from a great height has always put me off. But just hearing about how you overcame your fear has planted a seed of hope in my heart that maybe I’ll be able to accomplish this great feat too!!