Things have been bubbling and brewing, sparking and rolling. Change, she is in the air. I’m working at something new and exciting and I feel better than I have in ages. It’s still fresh and I’m still very much in the learning phase so I’m not quite ready to spill the beans yet. I have more playing, more learning and accountability to go before I’m ready to bring it to this space and share it with the big wide world. But it’s coming, oh yes…
Going in a new direction has got me thinking about all sorts of things. My brain has been moving so fast lately that I haven’t really been able to formulate complete thoughts. But this morning I had a still moment to reflect on a few of the things that brought me to this new place. And I realized that the biggest catalyst for my growth came from letting go of who I thought I wanted to be.
When I was younger, I had dreams of being a writer and dreams of being an actress and I followed those pursuits to university and beyond. I studied, I acted, I wrote. I graduated and moved to Chicago. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I loved parts of acting. But I didn’t love it the way other people loved it, the way my friends and colleagues loved it in that all-consuming, “I want to do nothing else with my life but act” way that you have to love it in order to truly succeed as an actor. I’m still deeply invested in theatre as a transformative art form but I don’t miss acting as a career. I’m happy to dabble and support and leave that dream to the people who are really passionate about it.
Writing. Well, writing is a different story.
Growing up, I read and studied amazing writers and drank in the romance of playing with words all day long until you crafted a beautiful, life changing novel that guaranteed you a spot in the history books. Forget the fact that Hemingway shot himself and Plath put her head in an oven. The way I saw it, writing, if you were good at it, was your fate, come what may.
I’ve carried writing around and put it down and picked it back up and caressed it and neglected it and given up on it and reclaimed it and promised never to abandon it again more times than I can count. I love (and occasionally hate) to write, always have, and a deep down part of me knows that I always will. It is my surest and most natural way of processing the world.

Writing, circa 1989.
For most of my life, I held on to the idea that I would, one day, be a Capital “P” ‘Professional Writer’. Through all other iterations of career, the idea lingered, taunting and belittling everything else I attempted. “Well, it isn’t writing,” that little sock puppet voice would whisper. If I didn’t eventually earn my bread and butter solely by churning out articles and essays and books, it would be a betrayal of my truest self.
I was so laser-focused on the what I thought that dream was supposed to look like that I didn’t allow myself to see what was going on in the periphery. Instead, I constantly berated myself to, “Just write!”, ignoring the voice in my head that told me I was also a social person, a person who wanted to be out in the world helping people in a more concrete way. That little voice that kept whispering, “There’s something more to this….”
The sock puppet told me that was just the fear talking, that I was a commitment-phobe, afraid of failure. I ignored the pit in my stomach that appeared at the thought of writing to deadline and creating on cue, of taking a thing I love and stripping it of its spontaneity and fun. Of sitting in a room or a coffee shop day after day after day. Alone.
And then, one day, I thought, “What if I explored this other thing….”
And I looked at ‘the other thing’ a little and felt a twinge of excitement. But it didn’t take long for the guilt to arrive, and I quickly shoved that ‘thing’ back into its drawer and got back to typing.
For months, I opened and closed that drawer. I stared and stared. And then, one day I finally allowed myself to try it out. As soon as I stepped into that new space, I knew that I was made to do this thing, this other thing, maybe just as much as I was meant to write, or more.
And that’s when I realized: our early dreams can become such an ingrained part of who we are that they sabotage anything else that jumps in and says, “Hey, I want to play too!” They can be greedy and controlling and demand that we, like them, remain frozen in time.
Walking away from a non-dream (for me, that was real estate) is easy to talk about: leaving behind the mundane in order to pursue your passions–that’s sort of the accepted, verbalized version of living your best life and being an authentic person.
Talking about a dream that you may have outgrown…
Shit, that’s scary.
It’s also unimaginably freeing.
Creativity comes from following the bread crumb trail to what excites you now, not what excited you ten years ago. Admitting that you’ve changed or that what you thought you wanted didn’t end up looking the way you expected it to–that takes cojones.
And it gives you permission to grow. My new dream is way bigger and cooler and more inclusive than the original version was. It embraces other people and territories and forms of communication. Realizing I wasn’t built to do just one thing day in and day out means I no longer have to be ‘Rian, the Capital “W” Writer’. Now I can be Rian, who writes and also does a lot of other cool and fulfilling things.
I’m giving myself permission to be happy by today’s standards, not yesterday’s, to expand out and live in possibility rather than in childhood certainty. And, as scary as it is, it’s not the betrayal I imagined it would be.
It actually feels like a big, fat gift.
I love this line from John Steinbeck’s East of Eden: “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
Is there something in your life that you’ve outgrown–an old belief you still hold about yourself, a dream that feels stale and rigid? What would it feel like to let it go, even for a little while? What could you do with all of that extra space?

You’re completely right that letting go of a dream can be one of the most terrifying things in life. I applaud you for moving forward with your life! Good luck with following your new dream!
Thanks, hearing from you guys brings the terror level down a notch ;)
Good luck with the realization of the new dream! Good for you for letting go of the old to grasp the new. As Ernie finds, “You’ve got to put down the duckie if you want to play the saxophone”!
That Ernie, he’s one clever orange creature.
Okay, Rian, I love that this post came through right as I was checking my inbox. I feel so fortunate to be blogging alongside you – you always capture exactly how I’m feeling, and more eloquently than I ever could! It’s a treat. Much like both truth and cake.
People so rarely talk about ‘outgrowing’ our dreams, because it IS scary (go you!). I recently admitted that I might not actually WANT to write a book, I just feel like, as a ‘writer,’ I should. I also recently admitted my passion for singing, which was huge. But STILL I feel like something’s missing. Like I can’t quite pinpoint my next passion project, I just feel restless and know that -for the very same reasons you describe- neither singing nor writing is the be all, end all. But I do know working with others (like you allude to) and encouraging people’s creativity is hugely fulfilling. So I know that’ll continue to be a part of my artistic goals.
On that note: I cannot WAIT to hear more about what you’ve got cookin’ :)
Thanks for sharing that, Jules. Now my breathing has slowed a bit ;) I think there are tons of people out there who feel the same way– that being a ‘writer’ looks like ‘x’ or having a career should look like ‘y.’ It’s been a huge wake up call for me to realize that I can be more than one thing and that I can define what that looks like. That’s what’s so amazing about where technology has taken us–It’s opened the doors of possibility and communication. We can see that there are more options, that we can create our own futures. I absolutely don’t think being a writer has to mean writing a book. And I would LOVE to hear more of your singing–I caught one video on your blog and it was SO cool. As for the rest, I think we have a pretty similar mindset about what turns us on–creativity, people, variety. Mmm, hmmm….we should definitely chat more about this ;)
Rian, this is so true and exciting. Letting go of old dreams is probably even more liberating than letting go of a job you don’t like- dreams define you more than a job. I’m so excited for you and I can’t wait to know what this is all about! I hope your new turn will include a bit of blogging in it too though. I’m so curious! Please let us know soon :-) xxxxx
Thanks for the support, Cécile! I will definitely continue blogging (and writing in other forms). I’m just viewing it all a bit differently now and making room for the other cool stuff that I want to pursue. Take care, Ever-Curious Reporter ;)
So insightful. Glad I came across this today. And I’m stealing that awesome quote!
Cool, thanks for reading and stealing! ;)
Keep these aritelcs coming as they’ve opened many new doors for me.
What is this thing that suddenly hits you when you turn 30(-ish)? Realizing that you’ve always lived to expectations, following non-dreams (or somebody else’s!) until you realize: that’s not me!
You seem to have found your way – I’m where you were a while ago, working on what defines Me. Looking forward to hearing about your New Thing!
“What is this thing that suddenly hits you when you turn 30(-ish)?” Right? I think it’s that we finally know ourselves enough to make the tough choices. But I also think that it’s an ongoing process, and everyone’s a little different. I’ve stopped looking for the place where I’ve “arrived.” I’m not sure that we ever really do. I also look forward to hearing about your journey, Erna! Are you guys already off on your road trip?
So beautifully written and poignant. I have been on a journey to find that New Thing for myself…it seems like my port of call was so long ago, though. Your post fills me with hope :)
That makes me so very happy. It was tough for me to hit publish on this one, but this is why I did it. Your port of call is still out there. It’s never ever too late.
I really appreciated this post given where I too find myself in life. I’m still on that “what happens now” precipice, but I applaud your honesty about what that struggle might mean. Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
I’m finding that there’s a lot of good stuff on the other side of scary. And baby steps are good– I’ve taken like a million at this point :) Super good luck as you make your way. I’m rooting for you!
Thank you! And cheers to the other side of scary! :)
I love this! I’ve struggled with this so much in my life, these tyrannous early dreams. I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to be doing, but I’m much better (I think) at letting go of those old ideas and letting my self-perception change and flow with time. Thanks for talking about this so eloquently!
“These tyrannous early dreams”–I love your phrasing, BH. I’m glad to have people like you journeying and flowing beside me. It makes the journey a heck of a lot sweeter.
just. love. all. of. this. :)
:)
Your rainbow just keeps getting bigger, brighter with more shades of color. Bravo!!!
You’re just the best, Marsella. The. Best.
Ahh you always seem to hit the nail on the head at just the right time, Rian! I am currently surprised at myself, doing what I thought was ‘the dream’ and it still is, but I’ve surprised myself by still being ambitious in other areas of my life that I thought I wouldn’t be once I got my original dream. So, right now I’m trying to find the balance that works for me, for the original dream and time for my other ambition as well. Can’t wait to learn of what your ‘change in the air’ is, good luck! x
What a great place to be, Neena. I *love* that there’s always a new way to evolve and new dreams to explore. Good luck with that juggling act–sounds like a fun one!
I just read that Steinbeck quote somewhere else! I never dreamed of being a writer. I was always strong in math and sciences and as such routed that way. Writing was a new-found dream that took a few signs for me to take notice; because I was too busy, it was a “stupid” idea and, likely the main reason, it pushed me out of my comfort zone- made me re-evaluate many facets of my life. I have to admit, I’m so happy for you and can not wait to hear about your endeavors. They say when we stand in our truth we show others it’s okay to do the same. I feel that in the year and change you’ve blogged, you’ve shared just that- who you are and how your lovely self wants to express. Expression of self-expansion of happiness : )
Ha, it was probably my facebook page, Kristy. I think you “liked” it ;) How awesome that you jumped out of your comfort zone to explore writing! I didn’t realize you had such a science/math oriented background (I don’t have a math bone in my body :) Writing always has been and always will be an essential part of me. But sometimes you realize that you’re hiding behind an old dream, using it as a sort of shield. I think that’s what I’ve been doing and I need to detach my ego from my long-held idea of what being a ‘writer’ means so that I can take the next step, the step that best reflects who I am at this stage of my journey. Thank you for your support, today and all of the days.
Haha, it was your FB page :) Yes, I’m a clinical pharmacist working in informatics for the hospitals in our region. I understand the shield part and letting go of old dreams. I like this by EE Cummings “always the beautiful answer that asks an even more beautiful question” Dreams are doorways to other dreams and it’s always a little bit scary to step into the unknown, but that is also where the magic resides. A writer is one who writes, but that is just an expression, what you’re expressing has many forms and fashion. Especially in today’s world, social media, the internet and e-publishing, it’s another world than the one where your original dream bloomed. I look forward to seeing this next dream you embrace, Rian!
I haven’t quite experienced this yet..BUT you have given me good advice should I get there!
Although I don’t think I could ever give up the dream of Master Chef..I love food way too much to let go of that :)
And I love writing too much to ever stop writing. It’s a perspective shift. A way of making room for more. But ‘letting go of old dreams’ will certainly look different to different people. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to clarify what ended up being a long and complicated post, master chef ;)
I have been down this similar path. Both with the acting and with a corporate career. And when I went to get my MFA I was in a class where the professor said that to be a writer you had to be anxious, that anxiety was part of it. And I thought to myself that if given the choice between happiness and the writerly craft, I would choose happiness. Now that I have my MFA and by all intents I am a ‘writer’ I have learned it isn’t all that I am either. Where I go next, I don’t know. That’s the thing with each dream if you get there youre onto the next. And then yes, sometimes those old dreams just act like a pair of golden handcuffs, some kind of shangrila that we create in our minds.
i look forward to this new venture of yours… ps- I’m going to be in vancouver in September… maybe we’ll meet?
“Sometimes those old dreams just act like a pair of golden handcuffs”–I love that image, it’s so true. When are you coming to Van? I would love to meet up with you. I’ll be in Europe for a bit (switching places, it seems!), but let’s talk dates and hopefully we can work something out.
ugh i missed this, and with it, missed you in Van. Next time. Mother Sugar is still here, though distracted. don’t give up on us quite yet.
At the moment, no…but I suspect that could change.
Your post is a good reminder to keep trying out new, different things – hobbies, locations, projects – and not to dismiss them out of hand because you’ve never tried them before or they “aren’t usually your thing”. There must be a lot of things out there that I’m *really* good at, but I don’t know because I’ve never tried them.
Good luck with the new project. It sounds like it’s working out well for you already.
Good luck with the ‘other thing’. I’m laughing at how you’ve left people hanging and desperate to know what it is!
I haven’t found what I want to be yet either but on the way I’ve discovered things I’m good at, things I’m not and made changes to the view I have of myself. It’s the journey that counts.
Ha, yes, I have left people hanging a bit :) I was kind of conflicted about teasing people on the ‘what’ of this whole thing. But I want to share this process as I go because it’s important to me that people see some of the sticky parts. I know that once I’m fully entrenched in the “new” thing, my ego will gloss over this part and I might not share it at all. Which would be fine for me (and WAY easier) but not so useful to other people who might be struggling with the same thing. I’m glad to hear your very balanced perspective on “figuring it out.” Journey on! :)
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s comforting to know that someone else has experienced that same love of the stage in their youth while at the same time not quite having the need to be on it that is required to have a professional career (I knew someone once who described it as “I would sweep the stage just to be on it”).
I’ve been haunted to a greater or lesser degree ever since I left acting about the decision to give it up, even though I know it was the right one. As Blackberry Honey put it, “these tyrannous early dreams” never seem to completely let go.
Thank you for sharing that, Bob. I don’t think we talk about letting go of dreams very often. It can be incredibly uncomfortable and our egos don’t like it one bit–mine has sort of been screaming at me the last couple of days. But talking about it definitely helps us to move on. I know a lot of people who would also “sweep the stage just to be on it,” as you say. That’s what motivated me to keep looking for the thing I could feel just as passionately about. I hope you find your stage sweeping dream too ;)
What an amazing reminder that it is okay to let go of old dreams to follow new passions! Such is the adventure of life. Thank you for this post, I really needed to read this today (of all days)!
Cool, I’m glad it came at the just right time ;)
Its exciting to hear that you have something new in your future. Good luck in your future endeavor!
Your story and the comments that follow are a great help to me as I am working on a story character who is at this point in her life. She loves what she does, but it was her mother’s passion and not entirely her own. Now it will be easier to give plausibility to her actions. (your posts seem to always speak of something that I need to hear.)
I’m in my 70s and with more time to pursue writing proves that change can come at any age if you will let it.
Cool, glad I can lend a little *something, something* to your writing process ;) That makes me happy. Happy writing!
Loving your post – thanks so much for sharing – cannot wait for you to share more:) I am learning to be the change agent in my life this year and make some big scary changes. So far 1 down and many more to go! Have a Great One:)
“The change agent in my life.” I like all this moving and shaking! Very cool, good luck with those scary changes.
Thanks for posting the sticky bits. It’s encouraging to know about the messy middle in-between. I’m super curious about your new thing, of course, but I’m right there with you in the in-between. It’s fun and exciting and too new to speak of, I totally get that spot. Good luck & thanks for the always timely encouragement.
“The messy middle in-between.” Sometimes I think that’s *all* I ever blog about ;) Maybe that’s my niche? Thanks, Denise.
I am right where you are right now, and that quote from Steinbeck is exactly the thing I needed to hear. I’m going to paint it on my wall somewhere. Thanks.
I love that you’re not just going to hang it somewhere but paint it *on* the wall. That’s awesome!
“…be happy by today’s standards, not yesterday’s”
Amen, sister.
i recently heard that quote from Steinbeck and i swear to god it touched my soul. turning your back on something definite and solid in favour of something that COULD potentially be perfect or end in total disaster is terrifying, but sometimes that’s what we need – to face the fear and just DO something.
i loved this post, i think it is my fave from you in a while (not that your posts aren’t always great :P)
i wrote a piece on not letting fear ruin your life, maybe you could take a look?? :)
http://gemgemgoesglobal.wordpress.com/2013/06/02/doing-the-things-that-scares-you/
You lucky thang. It’s always lovely hearing stories of people venturing into the wilderness, in pursuit of their true selves.It may be scary for you, but i’m sure it will be well worth it in the end. There is that line that goes something like, “if your dreams don’t scare you, then they probably aren’t big enough”.
I personally am still straddling, between quitting my corporate and secure job and going full time into running my shoe business( http://www.deity.co.ls), yes shoes, without losing sight of my love and passion for baking aaand improving on my other love, writing (even if just socially). Who knows maybe one day I’ll have a shoe boutique, bakery and bookshop all in one.
Until then,I enjoy reading motivating stories of beautiful and courageous individuals like yours. All the best dear,looking forward to your next chapter.
Shoes, baking, writing–I love that you have so many things cooking! (And I love shoes, so I’ll definitely be heading over to check *that* out). I have also finally come to terms with the fact that I’m a little all over the place in my passions and I’m trying to finally, finally, finally fully embrace that about myself. Cause I can’t change that part, lord knows I’ve tried! Thanks for sharing Divine Mo. Let’s keep each other posted!
That is so true. I’ve still got a lot of old baggage about what I ‘should’ be. I’ll be thinking about this in a different light after reading this. Thanks.
Ha! Your name suggests you might have a bit of excess baggage ;) I’m right there with you, trying to lighten the load.
I had a college professor that told his seniors, “Now, that you are finishing college, go out and get an education.” He knew there was more coming in time. That’s what I hear you saying. My stroke has allowed me to write and to think and do things I couldn’t before because making a “good living” was all important. Everything has led to this moment – say that every moment because…it’s true.
Scott
“Everything has led to this moment.” I’m saying it! Thanks, Scott.
Welcome.
Hi Rian,
I just found my way to your blog via your interview on Jess Lively’s site. I just wanted you to know how much this post resonated with me. Especially the acting dreams. I feel exactly the way you do about acting. I love it, but it is not the be all, end all for me. There are so many other things I am passionate about! I think the hardest thing about letting go of the professional acting idea was that I had already declared that dream out loud to so many people. It’s hard to explain that you aren’t giving up on your dream, but are letting your dream evolve into something new. It certainly takes courage to be authentic, doesn’t it?
Anyway, you have a new reader in me and I look forward to adding this blog to my must reads.
Cheers,
Nia
Hi Nia, thanks for your honesty. As you can probably tell, I love honesty :) It’s so tough to evolve and embrace new things when we feel like we have to live up to other people’s expectations, isn’t it? After I wrote this post, my own ego did a bit of that, “But what will other people think” dance. As you say, it can be hard to explain an evolving dream. Letting go of the need to be seen a certain way is powerful and difficult stuff. I hope it’s going well for you–your evolving dream– and I look forward to chatting more about it in the future!
Hi,
I’ve recently discovered your blog and I totally relate to this post. My dream was to become a fiction writer and make a full time job of it. Now I’m starting on a new project, a book blog. I’ve featured your blog post on my “monthly highlights”. Here’s the address, if you’ll like to check it out: http://lebookaffair.blogspot.pt/2013/07/monthly-highlights-from-other-blogs.html.
Wow, letting go an old dream is scariest thing to thought and also hardest thing to do. It is like killing a part of ourselves. I guess only a people who strong enough could admit ” I should to let this go” and give herself a break. Glad you could make it :).
Great post.
I loved your post and found comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who has struggled to let go of both old dreams and others’ expectations and perceptions, too. For far too long, I took myself so seriously and then wondered why I felt so trapped in a box of my own creation. While the transition is scary, there’s also something liberating in finally shedding old skin and embracing the new. Great to discover a kindred spirit!
I some how came across your blog and honestly I couldn’t be more happy and thankful. Your blogs, this one especially, has given me so much insight and wisdom on how I can approach the overwhelming amount of thoughts that have been racing in endless circles all around my mind. Sometimes its hard to venture along a new path assuring yourself you aren’t letting go of a dream or passion of yours, but rather giving yourself opportunity to discover and embrace a new passion. Reading your blog helped me come to conclusion that its ok to take a break, chase the wind, and become hungry for life once again. Maybe in doing so, one can revisit that passion and love it all over again the way they once had.
BRI
Such a good post. You are so fortunate to realize these things at this point in your life. I am just getting it now at 50. Get it sister! Enjoy…