Did you spend your 20s working odd jobs and dating incompatible partners? Or did you keep your eye on the prize, studying and working in your chosen field, hanging your shingle out for marriage material only?
Either way, clinical Psychologist Meg Jay has something to say about it. She recently gave a Ted Talk called “Why 30 is Not the New 20,” in which she urged young people to be more deliberate in their choices and not waste what she terms ‘the most important decade of our lives.’ When you have the time, check out the Ted Talk in it’s entirety.
For now, here’s a summary of what Meg Jay had to say:
-Many young people today view their 20s as a time to mess around or procrastinate, thus delaying adulthood and making their 30s a more difficult decade
-Twentysomethings shouldn’t waste time on dead-end jobs (she specifically mentions waiting tables) or dead-end relationships and instead seek out meaningful jobs and relationships
-Those who stay in stagnant relationships are more likely to marry the wrong partner when the music stops and their peers begin marrying
-Aim for something, build something, do something with your 20s
And, here, a few of her most salient quotes:
“80% of life’s most defining moments happen by age 35.”
“The brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now [your 20s] is the time to change it.”
“Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. … Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that’s an investment in who you might want to be next.”
“When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous pressure to jumpstart a career, pick a city, partner up and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible and, research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.”
“The post-millennial mid-life crisis isn’t buying a red sports car. It’s realizing you can’t have that career you now want. It’s realizing you can’t have that child you now want or you can’t give your child that sibling.”
There we are, twenty-five and not a wrinkle in sight.
Mmm Hmmm, I think it’s pretty easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to this one. Some of us are cheering, “Yes!” and some are going, “Wait a minute…No.”
I found myself alternately doing both. If you’ve already lived through your 20s, it’s tough not to look at your own life and weigh it against Jay’s words. And if you’re in your 20s, no pressure or anything, but remember, “whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it.”
Why you want to hurt us so bad, Meg Jay?
I highlighted those last quotes because I think they get to the heart of the issue and pinpoint something that Jay doesn’t directly address: if it’s a lot of pressure to have a career, find a partner, choose a city and have a child in your 30s, isn’t it also a lot of responsibility to shift all of that frameworking to your 20s, when you don’t yet have a clear idea of which of those things you want or what you’d like them to look like?
I agree with Jay that your 20s aren’t a time to sit on your thumbs and live in your parents’ basement (unless you’re creating something really awesome in your parents’ basement), but I’d also argue that this is a chicken/egg question. How can you know you’re dating someone incompatible if you haven’t done a lot of dating? How can you know what you want (or don’t want) to do with your life if you haven’t tried a few unexpected (and possibly useless) things? It’s tough figuring out how you want to spend your grown-up days when you’ve been coddled by academia/your parents for the first 20-odd years of your life.
In retrospect, I would tell my 24 year old self to place more emphasis on her career and not date those
While I think Jay’s intention to motivate and inspire twentysomethings into action is fantastic, the conversation feels incomplete. Many 30 (and 40) year olds are considering a career change or are still single or are postponing or even avoiding having children not because their 20s were a mess, but because our ideas about what make a worthwhile career, family, partner, and life-trajectory have changed. And expecting that these varying aspects of our lives will converge into some perfectly balanced ball once we hit the magical age of 30 as long as we played our cards right in our 20s seems, at best, unrealistic, at worst, terribly misleading.
Meg Jay says, “Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.” Obvious metaphors aside, Alaska and Fiji both sounded like cool options when I was 20. So, unfortunately, did bangs.
Speaking as someone on the gen x/y cusp, I think most of us spent/are spending our 20s trying to gain some “identity capital,” as Jay calls it. But we live in a noisy, crowded, over-saturated world with way more options than our parents and their parents ever had. We are told that we can be anything and do anything. We can start a revolution through a You-Tube video or a blog post. We can drop out of school and become the next Mark Zuckerberg. We can receive in-vitro fertilization at the age of 40. And we can get a divorce and start all over again at 50.
Many of us watched our parents split up or work for the same company for thirty years only to get laid off in their 50s (check and check), so we know that the face of work and commitment has drastically changed over the last few decades. It’s no wonder we’re a bit confused, paralyzed and “delayed.” Maybe we should talk about what these things really look like today rather than what they looked like for earlier generations: career, family, gender roles, love, the ever-rising retirement age. If we want to have a real discussion about the best use of our 20s, then we need to acknowledge that, over time, priorities and timelines have shifted and evolved and that a “successful” decade doesn’t look the same to every person or every generation.
What do you think?
Did you spend your 20s with your eye on the prize?
If I use my good eye, I may actually have a shot at this thing.
Or taking a spin on the merry-go-round of self-discovery?
Round and round we go. Where we’ll end up, nobody knows.
How did that turn out for you? What did you learn/are you currently learning? I’m dying to hear your opinions on this one!
I am 40 now, I met my Hubby at 19! we are still happy and together. I had my first baby at 25 second at 33. Mortgage paid off at 26. we didn’t waste any time! its been a amazing ( for the most part ) life so far and I think these are my decades of fun and self discovery which is exciting.
Wow, you’re like the poster child for a 20s well spent ;) I know quite a few people who did the marriage and children part early and are now doing a bit more self-discovery later in life. I have to admit, it sounds pretty great. I guess I’m not sure whether it’s preferable to do it one way over the other…I think most of us end up pretty happy with (or at least accepting of) our choices.
I think so too, many ways are right. I was just following my instincts really :)
I’m not quite 20 yet, so I can’t say I have much experience with anything outside of school. But I am learning what my strengths and weaknesses are, what I want out of life, and what kind of person I am. My parents are a bit older, so their idea of how the job market correlates to college degrees and success is a bit, well, dated.
Personally, I don’t know what success looks like to me. I hope that, in the next decade, I can learn who I am on “the merry-go-round of discovery” while also keeping my eye on the prize, as you put it. I figure that life will be what I make of it, and I’m going to need those years of mistakes and screw-ups to become who I will eventually be.
“My parents are a bit older, so their idea of how the job market correlates to college degrees and success is a bit, well, dated.” I’m getting the sense that this is a problem for many young people. Those in the position to coach us aren’t always familiar with what things are looking like out there for new grads and young workers. And the way work functions is also changing quite rapidly. Suddenly there are TONS of freelancers and contractors and small business owners that didn’t exit ten or twenty years ago. It feels as though traditional job roles are morphing into sub-specialties and ‘choose your own adventures.’
You sound really well grounded and I think you’re so right that the best way to approach it is a combo of both: discovery and realism.
How timely! I happened to watch this talk a couple of days ago and, like you, it left me swinging between alternating emotions. The only point of agreement I found with Ms. Jay is that delaying adulthood into your 30’s is probably damaging. If you are legally considered an adult at 21, you should start owning your adulthood. I am looking at it from a 30 year distance and, while I did not sit on my thumbs, and actively started a career that saw me through 15 happy years, I also used the time for some healthy experimention. From such a remove, there are two main points I disagreed with: 1. I do not think our most defining decade is our 20’s; 2. She framed the whole relationship subject as if everyone wants to end up getting married and having a family. All in all, not a therapist I would recommend to any 20 year old.
I totally agree with your last two points. The unease I felt while watching her video had a lot to do with how outdated it felt. That traditional career/life/love trajectory is changing. Not everyone wants 2.5 kids and a big mortgage by 35. I also agree with her bigger point: do something, strive, don’t sit idle. But the way she framed it as a means to a specific (and idealized) end was difficult for me to swallow.
Great thought provoking post! Thinking back on my 20s I definitely didn’t focus on jump starting a career, getting married or starting a family. I did focus on a goal though, which was to move to London and travel. In the course of achieving that aim I also put in some hard yards at a Big 4 accounting firm – not glamorous or fun or something I was passionate about, but it gave me solid work experience to leverage off later and a respected post grad qualification. Having that goal pretty much defined me, but few of the millennials I meet have such specific aims. They want success but it’s generalized, without an action plan to go with it.
I dated around extensively trying to figure out what I wanted in a partner, which helped me recognize a good thing when it happened, so I agree that you have to date a lot before you figure it out! But I think Jay’s point is that instead of going back to the same mistakes over and over again, we should be build on what we truly want in a life partner and have that figured out before we hit 30.
I’m still a long way from figuring it all out, but I do agree that while my 20s were a time during which I didn’t pay serious attention to a career or a relationship, I began the building blocks for both during that time, which helped in finding my feet now in my 30s.
“few of the millennials I meet have such specific aims. They want success but it’s generalized, without an action plan to go with it.” I was having a great discussion with my husband about this very point. My feeling is that the ground has shifted so quickly beneath our feet that we haven’t yet caught up with the changes. We want young people to do well and be succesful in their careers but we aren’t always well-equipped to coach and guide them on how education and career correlate today, or how they will correlate in the future. There are so many new tools and ways of communicating and learning and whole new fields emerging that weren’t there yesterday. Long gone are the days of working for the same company in the same department for most of your working life. The path is not as clear as it once was. Today many people have to carve their own path to be heard over all of the noise. Some people are naturally good at this, others not so much. I think more/better guidance is needed at an earlier stage.
I love your thoughts on the building blocks. It’s a good piece of advice for twentysomethings: whether you know it or not, you are building your future. Thanks for sharing!
I’ll be turning 29 in a couple of months, and have been thinking a lot about my twenties lately. If I ever had an eye on any prize in this past decade, in retrospect I’d say it was just being happy and progressing myself. I agree with your thoughts, and exploration seems the only way, at least for me.
With the way the world is today, I think most young people are overwhelmed by possibilities and options, that choosing just one is the most terrifying and daunting task imaginable. A lot of my twenties have been spent meandering several different routes, and then narrowing down what I want to do with myself by discovering, bit by bit, what I DON’T want to do.
In my early twenties, I used to envy people that knew exactly what they wanted to do in life and then did just that, but somewhere along the way I realized I just don’t work that way and will probably never be happy doing just one thing. Someone once told me to “just keep moving” no matter what, and I think this is all we can really do. Some of us might move slow, some might move fast.. but it’s a personal path. There is no place I’d rather be than exactly where I am right now, physically and metaphorically.
Great post!
“A lot of my twenties have been spent meandering several different routes, and then narrowing down what I want to do with myself by discovering, bit by bit, what I DON’T want to do.” Yes, I can really relate to this! I’m sure many others can too. I think this is also a personality issue. Some people are really focused from a young age and know that they want to be doctors or lawyers. Others don’t feel like they can fit into such rigid roles and come to their careers through trial and error. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, that’s for sure.
“Just keep moving.” I really like that sentiment. Thanks, Jayme!
Great post! My 20’s were filled with immaturity, self-discovery, adult tendencies and the educational goal. Yet, if I could go back in time I would have changed a lot of things on the list. However, my 20’s have put me into my mid 30’s now with an awesome education, family and many fond memories. If I could give a word of advice to all the one’s coming up… It would be to sleep more, drink less, love and be true to yourself.
Thanks for sharing your advice dr. julie :)
I spent my earliest 20’s (20-21) being an idiot. I chose a promising college program but I put too much emphasis on my boyfriend and having fun and not enough on, well…anything else. My boyfriend (of five years) breaking up with me created a major shift that eventually pushed me in a better direction. I started dating someone much more compatible with me, we moved in together and learned the hard way (which in my opinion is the only way) how to deal with finances and taking care of ourselves while also finishing college. I’m now 29, married to that compatible partner, and we have a 2-year-old daughter. We’ve had rough spots (we both lost our jobs at the same time two years ago), but we’ve persevered and now we have our student loans and our car paid off, and if we work hard we’ll have our mortgage paid off in another 2 years. We may not have had as much “fun” as some of our peers have through their 20’s, but we’ve come to a great place and have accomplished much of what we want to accomplish in life before we even hit 30, so in my eyes we’ve made some pretty good choices. :)
Awesome, thanks for sharing.
This was a fantastic post and thank you for sharing the link to Meg Jay! I’m a few years out from 20 so I suppose I still have time to take Meg’s words to heart and start pounding out a concrete plan for my future. The thing is, I feel like we can get so caught up in “preparing” for “the rest of our lives” that we forget to live a little and like you said, experience life by exploring our options and occasionally making mistakes. While I agree completely that this is no time to be fooling around and slacking off, I also think that overcompensating for that can also mean missing out on a lot of opportunities and chances that we might never have another chance to take. I have a vague idea of where I want to go in the future but if I don’t take risks and do crazy things (depends on how you define crazy, of course), how am I supposed to know where or where not to take my next step? Which is why I moved to a different country post-college graduation and found a job completely unrelated to my major. It’s been nearly two years now and I’m headed for grad school in yet another country this fall. It took some messing around but I can now see my future more clearly because of it. Balance I think, is the key in all this.
Sounds like you’re living a great adventure–to my mind, that’s the definition of success! If I could go back in time, I would have travelled earlier and more often because travel has changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined. And I think it’s so true that if you don’t experiment a bit, get up and get out there and see the world, you won’t really understand all of the options that are out there for you in life. You’ll be limited to what’s right in front of you. I think that’s actually in line with what Meg Jay is saying–get out there and create your life rather than sitting idle.
Life experience on a timeline? Hmmmm. I was a late bloomer. Many external things hindered and helped me. Spiritually I think you get it when you are willing. Being open is not always something you experience in your 20’s/
Loved this!
OMG, if I could go back and shake my 25-year old self and drag her, kicking and screaming, from the altar, I would in a heartbeat! I was bright and educated and had quickly moved up the ranks of my chosen field — and I mucked it all up by marrying the wrong guy because I didn’t think I deserved happiness.
My unsolicited advice to all the 20-something-year-olds out there — Life is too short to not be happy!
Thanks for a great read! :-)
Continued from my slap happy key board… I was driven by fear, that I let out of the box a little at a time, but it didn’t happen in my twenties. Fear can shape and control every choice and decision, but it can be a great motivator too. I grew from that only when I chose to. Attitude is everything, no matter what age.
Today’s 20 somethings are different it’s true, they face a different work culture and environment. They will have to take advantage of much more than we had to. They are competing with the biggest aging population the world has ever known. I feel for them but then I look at what my generation is facing with retirement and health care. No pressure.
No pressure at all ;) I always love hearing your perspective, Marsella. I feel like you’ve learned a heck of a lot and come through it all so open and grounded. “Fear can shape and control every choice and decision, but it can be a great motivator too.” This is so true. How we use fear, and how it uses us. BIG lesson. Certainly one of my biggest.
Maybe, because mine aren’t in the rearview just yet, I can’t say for sure. Are there things I’d change? Heck ya. But I feel like all my stumbling has gotten me to a place where friends of mine in their 40’s plus took a lot longer to get to. I’m going to be working for another 50 plus years, and know and appreciate a good job. If I have children, I know I’m making a lifetime commitment, and that they’ll be a priority. And if I meet a great Guy, I’ll know he’s great, and my own worth in that relationship. Yep, I’ve goofed, but in failure I have learned more than in success.
To all those reaching or in their early 20’s I’ll say this: if you have something you are passionate about, don’t let it pass you by, embrace it. If you don’t, if you feel unsure, make sure you take the time to cultivate something (even if it’s you), not just ride it out and blow it off.
“in failure I have learned more than in success.” I absolutely agree with this. Trying is better than doing nothing, and i think that’s a part of her message but she doesn’t really talk about failing and how it’s a growth opportunity. It sounds like you’re in a great place, happy with where you are but open to new things. That’s fantastic.
“But we live in a noisy, crowded, over-saturated world with way more options than our parents and their parents ever had.”
VERY TRUE.
Ahhhh this is excellent, Rian. I had the same reaction to Meg Jay – yay for motivating 20-somethings to get out of their parents’ basement (unless they ARE creating something awesome), but hang-on-a-sec for suggesting that a well-plotted decade is going to lead to easy street once you’re in your 30s.
I loved the line about the bangs, and the fact that you pointed out how loyalty to a company has REALLY faded. (Great use of those pictures, too!)
On paper I probably did Jay proud, but that hasn’t stopped me from having a total mid(ish) life crisis in my late 20s/early 30s. If I start thinking I’ve already had 85% of my defining moments…well…back to the basement and under the covers I go!
To think about all of the defining moments still ahead of YOU, Jules, well that’s enough to make a girl breathe a sigh of relief. It’s definitely a fine line: do *something* but don’t think your life will be over if you got some things wrong and wind up in your 30s single or starting a new career or childless. A LOT of people I know would be under the covers if that were the case. I’m looking forward to the later chapters, where things get really juicy ;)
I think coming down hard on either side of this is a bit black and white for me. I just think it depends on the person and the circumstance and a thousand other things.
I did have my eyes on the prize, I suppose, but the prize wasn’t the future – it was traveling, which is how I spent most of my twenties. And yeah, to do that, I did a lot of crap, dead-end jobs and put my career and finances several years behind those of my friends. But it was completely worth it. I didn’t start working on a career path until I was 26.
As far as relationships, I never expected to get that sorted out young, or maybe even at all. But as it happened, I met my now husband when I was 22. He was the right guy so I made it the right time.
I do see what she’s saying a bit, in that I do see some young people just coasting and I’m not completely sure they’re getting any pay off for that, but then again, I’m not them and I can’t see their futures.
I also don’t think it’s a black and white issue. (Things relating to living, breathing humans rarely are.) Travelling is a great way to spend your 20s and I wish more people had the opportunity to do it. Seeing more of the world certainly changes and broadens your perspective. Maybe we can adopt the mindset of the Aussies and take a gap year or two before starting out.
Fantastic post, Rian! I once read a quote that said, “Don’t compare your life’s Chapter 5 to someone else’s Chapter 12.” I think what Meg Jay is missing is that each person has their own unique story.
While I’ve always looked at my 20’s as my “selfish years,” I buckled down with my studies and career, earning a Bachelor’s at 22, an MBA at 25, and scoring a great-paying-yet-personally-unfulfilling job somewhere in the middle. I dated inappropriate people who taught me what I want (and don’t want) in relationships and I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t end up a single mom with kid(s) before I hit 30 because I saw how hard it was for own my mom. And while I do have enough for a down payment on a home, I’m just not ready to give up the independence of picking up and relocating if I so choose. I’m only 28, there’s still time.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, married and started having children at 21, divorced at 24, bought a home at 35, and now he’s in the difficult position of trying to finish school and sort out his career at 37. I don’t envy the finals and work issues that he’s going through, but I can offer all the support that I can because I’ve been through it. Just like when I decide to have children and invest in a home, he will be there to help support me through it.
Neither of us is better than the other, we just put different focuses on our lives at different times. The traditional views are antiquated and while life in Pleasantville sure seems ideal, given the economic climate and staggering divorce rate, I think people just need to do what is best for them when it is the right time for them. If that means “wasting” your 20’s, abiding by Meg’s game plan, or carving your own path that leads to your personal satisfaction, so be it. Your story is yours to write.
“I think people just need to do what is best for them when it is the right time for them.” I agree, Jessica. Splitting our lives into neat and tidy decades is convenient in theory, messy in application. According to that idea, the leap between 29 and 30 would be gargantuan. And, as many of us know, that’s just not the case. Thanks for sharing your perspective. You are a smarty pants with lots of great advice! P.S. I want to hear more about this boyfriend! I’m so happy to hear that things are going well.
I don’t know where to start with this, I could write an essay in response. However, to be honest I wish I coud have had children slightly earlier. Fitting in three in five years in my thirties was pretty tiring (and still is!) If I’d set my mind to it could I have settled down beforehand? Probably. But I never had that kind of plan. I wouldn’t say I coasted at any point either.
When and why we have children, it feels like most of us could write a book about that topic alone! Your perspective is fascinating to me because I’ll be in the same boat (having all of my children in my 30s, though I probably won’t have 3) and I could have had them earlier but, at 31, I’m still not ready. It’s funny how that works–even if all of the dominos Meg Jay talks about are lined up, some of us still aren’t ready by the time we hit 30. Almost none of my 30-something year old friends have kids either. We’re all sort of pushing it back until the last minute. I’m sure Meg Jay would have something to say about that! ;)
All I can say is people used to guess my age at at least 5 years younger than I am, sometimes more. Since having children they usually get it right :-) At least they don’t add on anything….
They do tend to wreak havoc on your beautiful interior design too ;-)
Relationship-wise I think I’m there (I’m 25) but my other half has spent the last 2 years desperately trying to find a ‘proper’ job that doesn’t involve serving drinks, but has really struggled :/ hopefully the jobs market will pick up soon!
http://Www.mancunianvintage.com
You have great insight, Rian. I rarely think back on my 20’s, actually, and when I do, I rarely give myself credit for the great upheavals I survived back then, tending instead to view it as a wasted time period, where I did not necessarily discover myself, nor make great strides on future plans, but I did survive, and that’s important. :) Now, at 37, I’m single, do not wish to have children at all, and am shocked by the truth in your point: “The post-millennial mid-life crisis isn’t buying a red sports car. It’s realizing you can’t have that career you now want.” Whoa. I’m right there in that sentence. I’ve been seeking to fulfill dreams I made more than a decade ago and am finding that perhaps the time has passed for those particular dreams. It’s been difficult to re-adjust my dreams to what is possible for me now. It has had a tendency to freak me out a little (okay, a lot.) Funny, though, that I’m now way more comfortable in my freak outs and actually feel like I have SO MUCH more time to figure things out than I did in my 20’s. Everything then was so urgent and desperate and dramatic, I find that because the expected time-line is already broken, everything from here on out is a bonus, and it can be a relaxed journey into (insanity?) whatever fulfills me most. Not that I’m not also window-shopping the proverbial red sports car (Tesla Model X 2014, for the Gen X mid-life crisis-er? Yes please! Do they make that in red? I better pick up a lottery ticket for this particular investment.) Thanks for the chance to look back and evaluate that the majority of life’s defining moments are still possible from right now.
Having passed both my 20s and my 30s (as well as 40s), I, of course, wish I could go back, know what I know now, and change it all.
However, then I wouldn’t have my children, and they have made most of my live so very worth it.
“All things work together in the end.” My mantra; my motto; my life.
It does say “all”. We need to remember that.
One of those great posts. I will add it to the list on my page.
Scott
I watched her whole Ted Talk so I could be informed and found myself similarly responding with an alternating yes or no, then thinking … wait a minute. I’m the poster child of following her advice and how that was not the path for me, or at least not in the bull’s-eye target she’s talking about. I’m in my mid thirties, divorced with a beautiful 5 year old daughter, a Doctor of Pharmacy grad who kept her eye on the prize only to find out that while being a mother has many riches this previous “not the marrying kind” ever dreamed of, that the other prizes didn’t quite hit the mark. At 35, I feel that all the steps and missteps have led to who I am today, the ability to be the partner I hope to be, the mother I already am, and the aspiring writer able to connect and share from experience, not mere abstractions. I didn’t have enough sense of myself in my 20’s to make the changes I’m making now, moving in a resonant direction, aware of self and connected. I’d say I’m a late bloomer but I don’t think life works on a timeline, it’s a journey and it all counts. I think that she does have great advice, but I feel this goes deeper. To me, it’s not about the 20’s. It’s how we raise our children and the examples we lend ourselves to be. I hope to be able to foster an environment that allows my daughter to have more self-awareness with her natural talents and abilities that when coupled with passion result in a limitless future. The current paradigms society as a whole subscribes to needs to shift; this is a different game, different even from the game where Meg Jay’s data is pulled. It’s about choices and I don’t think that the choices of a 20 year old compare to that same self at 30 or 40, so rather than simply adhere to a timeline of this should be done by then, realize it unfolds as needed, one simply needs to listen and heed to the direction one is nudged.
I’m nearly twenty and have spent a good amount of my time chalking out (and erasing) plans for the next decade; trying to “keep my eye on the prize”. It is how I was raised. But I have to say, it’s kind of overwhelming that I “have to” figure out what I want in a matter of a few years. I won’t say that I should procrastinate all decisions to my thirties, but I would definitely like to have a choice when I’m thirty; I would like not to be stuck with the choices I made.
I am not sure I agree that you must, by the strict definition of the word, “date” a lot in order to meet “the one.” Many of the ways we find compatible boyfriends or girlfriends are the same as those we employ to make friends. Does it take 6 months to determine if you enjoy spending time with this person? Trying lots and lots of new things CAN expose us to things we might not have known we liked before. These two methods, I argue, are similar to the guess-and-check method. Sure, you will eventually get where you want to be…hopefully, but there’s greater potential for problems if you throw yourself into new things and new people without first sitting in your room on a sunny Saturday morning, or even more unthinkable, on a Friday or Saturday night, to think…Who am I? What am I? What am I like? What do I like? What am I like? What do I want? And so on… The point is people head out into the world in pursuit of…well, they’re not sure, because they never took the time to think. Someone who is deathly afraid of heights can probably determine that he or she will not enjoy base-jumping; in a relatively short lifetime, using heuristics can make getting to what you actually like much more efficient. One might want the lifestyle that status and money can bring, and even more important to consider, be disciplined enough to stick it out long enough to achieve it. What is not realized, in most cases, is that the successful, high-paying job, will continue to consume your life after you get it. You might be able to afford the beachfront house, and the sailboat, but you are working 80 hours a week to keep the job that pays for all that stuff. Maybe that is what people want, and if so, fine. Modernizing the old saying…’If an affluent lifestyle, with all the toys and perks, is afforded but no one is around to use it, does the lifestyle really exist?’
Sit around and ponder those questions, your questions, the questions you either can’t think of AN (not necessarily the right one) answer for right away, or ones you do not yet have any answer for. I started doing this when I was 19 (I am now 24). I might be deluding myself, but so far, I have found a small number of things that continually bring me a lot of happiness, and so I have set my sights on making sure those things are never out of my field of view.
It’s more complicated than just going to college, or grad school, or whatever…That used to be enough–it would open most if not all the doors, but now so many people can do it that it is no longer unique. That is not to say it is any less important, but beyond deciding to go to school for psychology, or business, or finance, think about what you want to do, SPECIFICALLY. Again, I am not at the finish line, but I have made some informed decisions that are continuing to pay off. I suppose I would liken what I am about to say to that metaphor about leaving the West Coast in a plane. That is a decision with the potential to head in the right direction. I chose to go to law school, and here I am, about to start my second year in the fall. If I quit there, I could end up just as unhappy, or worse, than if I had never gone to school at all. With all the choices now available, there is a lot of opportunity to end up in a place you are not pleased with. If I became a criminal lawyer, I would be unhappy. Why, then, would I take an internship opportunity offered to me, to work in a criminal law firm? I wouldn’t. Sometimes, ‘nothing’ is better than ‘something’, if that something is in the wrong direction.
The key is going your own way, if need be. (I argue that as unique individuals, it is inevitable and unavoidable) The meta-talk is a solitary activity, and what comes out of it might require you to blaze new territory. Without exception, raised eyebrows or furrowed brows followed my proclamation that I want to go into food law. I could go into, but for the sake of me not continue to prattle, I direct you to what Michael Pollan, and others, are rightly bitching about.
The point is I didn’t realize that is what I wanted to do through the natural course of going out to the French Quarter on weekends. I had to think…
I like to think that each decade I live in is my defining decade. I held down a series of good jobs in my 20s, I had several serious relationships, lived and worked overseas, got married and had a lot of great experiences. The failures were a large part of them, and I learnt more from those than my successes. In my 30’s, I had children, continued with my series of good jobs, which I did well, got divorced, found a new life partner, had a couple more children and again, learnt more from my failures than my successes. In my 40s? Well now I have some teenagers and some little kids, an amazing husband, a job I love which means I travel a bit. I’m still making mistakes fortunately, so am still learning all the time. I write now, which I haven’t really done since I was much younger. I look forward to the challenges my 50s will bring.
This talk was interesting, but what I’ll pass on to my kids is to get out there and live. For some of them, that will mean settling into a career, a relationship and a life plan. For others it will mean rescuing animals in Africa, working in a soup kitchen, or staying at university for 10 years. But whichever way, I hope that they, as I did, will live life to the fullest.
I think it’s a lot harder these days for 20-somethings to find those “meaningful jobs” these days than Meg Jay implies. Just because of the global economy there are fewer available…but more 20-something graduates trying to compete for them. (Which also explains why more people are spending their 20s at home with their parents & student loans) Actually, I’ve learned an awful lot about humanity, society and myself by doing those menial jobs…
I’m reaching the middle point of my 20s now. Graduate study is going to take up most of the rest. I *want* to accumulate life experiences: new activities, new countries, new people, because I don’t want to reach my 30s…40s…50s and realise I’m filled with regrets about the risks I didn’t take. If I reach 30 and decide that I want to spend the next decade taking more risks then that’s fine. If I reach 30 and decide I want to settle…that’s fine too.
I’ll live my 20s how I see fit, then sort out my 30s when I get there, based upon that.
Hi,
I stumbled upon your blog and really enjoyed reading through your post, espcially this most recent one. As someone in my late twenties who spent the better part of a decade living a near poverty level existence all over the world, I often find myself wondering if I made the right choices. Sure, I have great experiences, but I don’t exactly have all that much in the way of the tangible. At the end of the day though, I have to believe my “international bum” days were a necessary step to getting to where I am today, even if it’s not exactly where I’d like to be!
The best thing in my 20s was meeting the man I was to marry and married at 29 and a few months later turned the Big 3-0! My 20s were full of life lessons, growth and experiences!
I loved my 20s and miss them, for the sense of complete optimism I then had. I “failed” for the first time only at 30 and it certainly came as a hell of a shock.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do — work for a major newspaper — and got that job at 26. My romantic life was a disaster because my focus was wholly on career and moving to the U.S. from Canada, so “settling down” was never an option. I never wanted kids, so that was not an issue.
The one piece of this that no woman wants to hear — and attending a convention of infertility specialists was the most dramatic, fact-based example of this — is that having children, certainly several quickly and easily, past the age of even 35 is far more difficult than any woman’s magazine will tell you. I watched desperate, pleading women dragging the doctors into hallway corners to browbeat them with their miserable tales.
Career can be wrangled to the age of 40 with less difficulty. But if someone really wants to bear children, she can’t suddenly wake up at 39 and try to find Mr. Right….without $10K per IVF cycle and six plus cycles possible. I know too many women who did this.
Totally agree. I want kids and a husband, I spent my 20s focussing on my career, education and dating one Mr. Wrong after the next. I’m turning 30 and I’m realizing how the window is closing pretty quickly for me.
You are so right! Your words went straigt to my heart. I mean, people nowadays expect everything from 20 year-olds. But whatever you do, they will never be satisfied. If you want to get married, you’re wasting your potential. But if you don’t want a family, you are a ruthless soul that deserves to burn in hell, You know, stuff like that,
I guess mrs. Meg did wanted to motivate us, but she failed. This article, instead, is a lot more realistic and down to earth.
Have a great day!
I am just a month shy of my 30th birthday. I just broke up with my boyfriend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I accomplished a lot in my 20s, I lived abroad for an study exchange, I travelled, made great friends, I completed a Masters and I have a job that pays well. But I didn’t work towards my future, I focussed on my career and experiences life. Now my friends have great spouses, kids, houses and cars. I have student debt and share an apartment with a wonderful roommate – and now I realize that what I really want is the husband and kids.
I feel mixed emotions about this, I wish I had more self confidence in my 20s, I continually made bad decisions in relationships because I had a lot of baggage from my childhood. I was a fat child and teen, finally lost the weight when I was 20 but I was always told as a child that no man would want to marry a fat woman like me. And that has had such an impact on me – it’s hard to explain.
Now as I turn 30 I feel like maybe its a blessing that I’m single. I think loving yourself and believing you’re amazing is important, because unless you love yourself, no one can love you.
I finally realized that I deserve only the best, and the best is not a laundry list of qualities (tall, handsome, ambitious, intelligent, funny…) but someone who will accept you for who you are and love you. Someone caring, compassionate and selfless.
I envy all those women in their 20s who have confidence and love for themselves – I wish I did. I spent my 20s scoffing at women who got married and started families, and now I realize that a career does not replace those.
At the same time – I’m hopeful that I will meet the love of my life.
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Looks like I got to this party a little late but I loved the article and enjoyed reading all of the comments. I’m 28 and my 20s were nothing short of crazy. I never really accomplished any tangible goal but at the same time I have so many stories and life experiences, even though they came at the cost of a career. It’s kind of scary approaching my 30s and realizing that I may never find a career to support a family but I have to accept that’s who I am. I have had almost 20 jobs across the country and none of them stuck I have been going to school for a decade and I hate every moment of it lol. On the flip side I can cook like a champ, I make music, compete in video game tournaments, go on week long bike rides, practice tai chi, etc etc etc. I guess being married to a much more down to earth person is the only conventional thing I have ever done I just hope I can focus my love and make a foundation for a better tomorrow.
I have to concede, after I watched Meg’s ted talk I just had a nervous break down. I’m 25 and about to start a masters next year because i changed degrees and took a gap year. After listening to her I kept thinking about how starting my career later will have flow on implications for my capacity to buy a house, meet a partner and have kids in my early 30s. However, after reading your post I just felt so much better. I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I was younger and it was a journey I had to take in order to figure out what to do.
Her talk just made me feel more pressured to launch into a career i don’t care about and to date a partner I don’t really like… all for the sake of meeting her deadlines regarding when you should start a family, have kids etc..
I found this article after searching “how to find direction in your twenties”. I apprecite this article as well as the comments!
I am nearing 28, and I am working slowly on a graphic novel about the train wreck of my twenties. I went to school, and have had a handful of travelly adventures, but I am perpetually broke.
But I want something vastly different than what anyone here is describing. i don’t want a traditional family with a husband, nor a career, nor do I think one should be prioritized over the other. I think having a goal or goals are the most important thing, whether that looks like getting out of bed in the morning, or travelling across the country, or starting a women’s night at a communtiy bike shop or something entirely different.
I don’t think that my ideals and the way that I feel about life and the world are compatabile with the idea of husband OR career, but I want intimacy with other people and I want us to be able to take care of each other long into our old age, when the state can’t. Let’s face it: this next generation, the generation I am apart of, is unlikely to experience a government pension plan or anything else helpful for that matter.
Where do you fit in when you fundamentally disagree for yourself with the status quo of setting your life up with either husband and kids or career, or both? I’m not sure if this restless feeling will go away, but I think we need to talk about other paths too, and talk about them in a validating way which we currently do not. Let’s make way for all of our dreams, and then reassess our opinions of our twenties and what works for our lives.