“Do you think marriage feels any different?” I was recently asked this question by a newly married friend. She assured me that, for her, marriage was the same as pre-marital cohabitation, and I nodded my head in agreement: “Sure,” I said. “Marriage isn’t all that different.” But I wasn’t telling the truth. For me, marriage feels very different, but in a way that’s hard to define in polite conversation.

Photo by Eric Uys
I was raised by a single mother for the first ten years of my life. My mom did it all, and she did it well: she was playmate, teacher, protector and cheerleader all rolled into one. Marriage didn’t factor into my experience: the concept was uncomfortable, irrelevant at best. I didn’t dream of white dresses and Ken Doll husbands. Instead, I read books like “Nancy Drew, Girl Detective.” That seemed like the life for me: grow up, date boys, solve mysteries. Love was relegated to the periphery while brain power and adventure were slotted front and center.
As I grew older, I spouted off pragmatic sentiments like: “Isn’t it more meaningful to show up and choose to be with your partner every day than to sign a piece of paper that obligates you to do so?” I was still too naive to know that some days you wouldn’t want to show up at all…
When your concept of marriage has always been framed by divorce, the promise implicit in the institution seems like no promise at all.
And so, my aversion to marriage boiled down to this: I was terrified of committing to someone who I was dead certain would eventually leave me. I was willing to move to another country to date and live with my boyfriend. I was willing to sign a paper that made us Common Law Partners. But I was petrified of putting on a white dress and standing up in front of a bunch of people in order to say, “I do. Forever.” Because how do you erase the memory of something so hopeful gone wrong? There’s an old photo of my mom and dad standing over my stroller in a California park. I’m wearing a lacy white bonnet. My dad is handsome and young and my mom is looking down at me, watching me in that new mom way. I once used the photo for a school project– my teacher commented on how sad and hopeful the photo was, a snapshot of a union that would dissolve within the year.
But that picture doesn’t tell the whole story. And neither have I. My mom, who played all of those roles for so many years, eventually remarried. So did my dad. One failed union wasn’t enough to put them off of marriage entirely. I learned a lot about love by watching them try again. I saw my mom’s eyes light up. My dad stopped drinking. This love thing seemed pretty powerful. And now that I’m all grown up, I see that there were differences the second time around: my parents were older, they knew themselves better, they chose compatible partners, and they went in baring their flaws. When you’ve been hurt, you are more careful, and maybe more honest, the second time around. I kept these things in mind while searching for my own partner.
Needless to say, with Grant, the question of marriage was never “popped,” but discussed, debated, kneaded, baked and, finally, after a lot of wine, consumed. Marriage has had a powerful and sobering effect on me. Commitment is complicated and messy and for every blissful moment there are an equal amount of bland and uneventful ones. But there is something innately wondrous about the ongoing narration of a lifelong love story. The frustrations that are part and parcel of marriage don’t just teach me how to be a better wife, they teach me how to be a better and more compassionate human being. Rather than giving up whenever things get tough (which used to be my natural inclination), I take a deep breath, step back and find a new way to solve the puzzle. I say sorry even though I may not really mean it: I’ve found that kind words have an uncanny way of becoming true the moment they pass your lips.
Of course, wearing a white dress and signing a piece of paper aren’t necessary steps to devotion. Commitment is an internal compass—some people stay true without the official title, while others marry and stray.
For me, marriage is an emphasis shift. Where once I vacillated, I now stand resolutely vulnerable. I’ve chosen to share my story, my life, with one person. I trust him to do his very best to never leave me. And (perhaps this scares me most of all), I promise him that I’ll do the same. The truth is, marriage is just what I always thought love should be: showing up every day, for better or worse.
It turns out, I’m the marrying kind after all.
How do you feel about marriage? I’d love to hear your thoughts on why you decided to marry (or not) and what you’ve learned in the process.

Categories: Nitty Gritty Truths, Risky Truths
For some people, the grass is always greener. You’re lucky to have chosen what you later find suits you better than you perhaps thought it would. I always wanted to be married, and with the boyfriend I was with the longest, the discussion was aired at the beginning of our relationship (by him) and as a sort of ultimatum at the end (by me). But I find that I’m lucky after all to have escaped that one, regardless of what I thought I wanted. So here I am, still single, about 15 years later. I’m not crazy about that, but at least I feel that if I do go down the primrose path, I’ll know what I’m doing by force of delaying it for so long and not jumping at the first person who came along.
Indeed, marriage forces us to improve ourselves rather than giving up and running away.
I agree! It doesn’t leave you with the option of running away but rather the option of conflict resolution. I LOVE being married and thought that I would perhaps get married when I was sometime past 30 ( I ended up getting married at the age of 23.) It just happened that I met my husband and he did a full-court-press on me that totally changed my views on everything! I knew that I would NEVER find a better man and that I wanted to marry him within the first week we were dating. I have learned so much! I have learned that it’s important to serve him and treat him like I want to be treated. I have learned that he is my best friend and that when you get in fights with your best friend, you don’t yell at them and disrespect them, you discuss and work through issues with them! I could go on forever about all the great things about being married, but the most important thing is that it is a commitment for the rest of your life and should be taken with the utmost amount of love and respect for your partner.
Well said!! I feel the same way.
I feel the same way too! It’s all about compromise too. You’re supposed to grow together.
Really interesting post. I was always keen on marriage, so to speak, because my parents were happily married and I was a hard-core romantic. But I also wanted to have a lot of adventures before settling down: I wanted to fly in small planes across the African sky, I wanted to live abroad, I wanted to buy a Chanel purse, I wanted to stay at the Plaza. I did all that, and I’m very happy I did before I tied the knot and finally, (finally) my much-wanted children arrived.
“I wanted to fly in small planes across the African sky, I wanted to live abroad, I wanted to buy a Chanel purse, I wanted to stay at the Plaza.” I’m swooning a bit here. I’m so glad you’ve lived out some of your big dreams–that makes my heart happy. I have too, but I’ve still got a few more to go…
Just discovering your blog now but I love it and I love this post! When I met my husband I was flying around Africa and didn’t think I could possibly “settle down” for at least a few more years…then I met him, and he wisely said, “Why do young people think that marriage is the end of living their dreams? For me it’s the beginning of the greatest adventure.” Since then we’ve been globe-trotting together–stayed at Hotel Metropole together, flown over Africa together–and every new adventure has been so much fun with a partner to share them with :).
Phew! I’m not alone with my feelings in this world! I’m also terrified at the prospect of getting married. Everyone in my family is divorced. Everyone: parents, grandparents, uncles… My parents remarried but alas I can’t take their second marriage as a model either- my mum divorced twice!
Growing up in such a mess, my reaction was different to yours though. Instead of thinking “I’ll never get married”, I thought: “I’ll do better!”. I catalogued all the mistakes grown-up were making in their relationships and promised myself to never-ever go so wrong. Of course, it’s a sure recipe for anxiety, pressure and fear of failure.
Now I’m engaged and still terrified but I’m just trying to realise that I’m leading my own life and not the life of my parents. I’ll probably make mistakes as well, but they’ll be my own.
Thanks for sharing your story, it’s reassuring to see that you went through a lot of doubts before getting married but still did it- for the best :-)
Cécile–your “I’ll do better!” response is so spunky and so you ;) I’m glad to hear that you’re distancing yourself from other’s outcomes because there’s really no point in doom and gloom. We all get a fair shot at love and it’s up to us to figure out how to make it work. I’m very excited for you–the engagement is such a hopeful, anticipatory time. Revel in it because it’s over in a flash! I’m sure you’ll come to marriage on your own terms, and I’ll be wishing you lots of love and luck in the meantime. xx
such a lovely post from the heart…i knew i wanted to get married when i was in my early 20s, but i also knew it had to be with the right man. i finally met him when i was 27 and tied the knot a year later. now, 15 years on, we are blessed with 4 wonderful kids and we are closer than ever. yes, there’s been ups and downs (nothing major though) but we know we love each other deeply and therefore build a fortress around us so that we’re protected from outside influences, i believe that’s how problems begin mostly, when you let others have a say in your marriage. anyway, best of luck to you, i wish you every happiness that you deserve in your marital bliss, take care!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I’m glad to hear that marriage has been such a positive experience for you. Take care!
I know I’ll never get married. For various reasons. Such as, it’s a religious statement, made on a religious building, and I’m not religious. So it would seem nonsensical to take part in a religious ceremony for just one day if I don’t really believe it. I can appreciate it from afar but I don’t believe it. My partner and I don’t feel we need it. It’s never been a subject either of us have taken seriously. He’s been married before and has no desire to do it again. Plus, marriage is often a precursor to children and I can’t imagine anything worse than having a child! I value my time and privacy far too much! I’m also not one for being the centre of a big event, and no matter how fancy or plain you make your wedding, it’s a big event and I’d rather not be the middle of it all. Marriages are very often about the bride and I’m not really interested in all that for myself. I love going to a good wedding though! And I think that when people make the choice to marry, it’s the right one for them. I just know it’s not the right one for me. Great post by the way.
Thanks for offering your perspective, Laura. I’m fascinated by how we, as individuals, define things like commitment and parenting and why we make particular choices. I love that we’re all allowed to make our own decisions, free (for the most part) from old-school ideals and expectations. I can really see where you’re coming from, so thanks for sharing!
“I was raised by a single mother for the first ten years of my life.” in my case, my whole life.
Gorgeous photo – I’m unmarried (for now!) but really hope to one day :)
I was the same, and still to a certain extent still do believe that a couple should be able to make a commitment to each other without needing it to be validated by a wedding ceremony. But, similar to your ‘not really popped the question’ as just kind of eased into the idea, we got married and weirdly, I enjoy describing him as “my husband”.
My parents divorced when I was 14. I saw them in love and I saw them fall out of love. I often wondered if it’s easier when you can not remember all the sordid details or much worse when you are older and can remember it all. I always wanted to get married because I saw how amazing things can be when two people are happily married, but like you marriage terrified me because I knew how easy things could go wrong, so easy that you didn’t even know there was a problem till it was over. Like you, I conquered my fear by finding a fabulous man who shared my beliefs on marriage. We have no idea what the future holds but for now we show up everyday for better or worse!
I loved the final sentence: The truth is, marriage is just what I always thought love should be: showing up every day, for better or worse.
I’ve always wanted to marry, my parents have been for my entire life so the idea of marriage never scared me. Now being a newlywed I find that it is what I thought it would be, having fun experiences, laughing, crying, loving and getting through the tough times with that person that will always have your back. I didn’t live with my husband prior to our marriage, but surprisingly it has not been an issue. We are very compatible and we love each other very much [we laugh waaay too much :)] So in the end I was right, marriage is for me.
Too much laughter–now that’s something to aim for :) Congrats on your recent wedding!
Thanks :)
I love sharing my story with Sara. It’s like reading a book at the same time as a friend (2 books, in fact) and, therefore, always having someone to talk to about the passing chapters. I’m terrified of getting married. But I’m also terrified of never being able to marry her if I want to some day. Conflicting fears, I guess. I want to be allowed, but I’m not sure if I want to do it.
On the other hand, I found your narrative about marriage to be beautiful and real, much like everything you write. Truth… but with some cake, too. ;) I’m so glad you’ve found happiness.
Your book analogy is beautiful (my wedding vows contained a similar sentiment). It’s really unfair that some people don’t get to accept or reject the idea of marriage on their own terms–but I’m quite hopeful that you’ll have the same options as everyone else very soon. And maybe when you do, marriage will seem a little less terrifying ;) Even if it doesn’t, it sounds like you already have a fulfilling, committed relationship, which is wonderful. xx
Loved how truthful this piece was. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for putting it so eloquently and simply. I have been trying for years to express a surprisingly similar sentiment about love, marriage, and commitment.
Having been married to the same wonderful guy for 47 years, a piece of advice that I can give with honesty is to have a sense of humor . Devotion to God helps too. Hope you both end up one day both old and gray and look back on many happy years.
Thanks for the advice! :)
What a beautiful and honest post. As usual when I read your posts, I can completely relate. I actually wrote a post about this about a week ago and I hope you don’t mind if I paste the link here. You should read the inspiring comments from my readers who have been married for what seem to me to be heroic lengths of time. Thank you for the beautiful post. I love that picture of you and your husband. Here was my post, in case you have a moment to check it out: http://newsofthetimes.org/2012/07/20/secrets-to-a-long-happy-marriage/
Thanks for sharing, Jennifer! The comments are amazing and insightful, as is your thoughtful post. And I forgot to include this in my comment on your post, but you were a beautiful (and happy looking) bride! Take care.
Thanks so much for checking it out!! I thought the comments from readers were so inspiring, I hope you didn’t mind that I added the link here. Thanks again for coming over to check out my corner of the blogasphere! And for another thoughtful post!
It was a great piece, and I don’t mind at all–links that add to the conversation are more than welcome. Thanks for sharing :)
I love it! Marriage truly is “Showing up everyday. For better or for worse”. I can’t wait to find the right guy and marry him. It has always been my dream to share my life with someone. :)
This is a lovely, thoughtful and honest post. I’ve been with the same guy since I was 15 (I’m now getting on for 22), and I’m not particularly interested in getting married, and neither is he. I am an atheist, so have no religious beliefs in which marriage is important. The big party and the family/friends politics that inevitably ensue don’t enamour me either. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. I don’t believe that being my boyfriend’s wife as opposed to his girlfriend or partner would alter our relationship or our committment to each other. Those things will change or stay the same according to a host of other factors in our lives. I certainly think that wider society, particularly as a couple grows older, gives more significance to the relationship if the pair are married – but isn’t that to do with other people, not with the couple themselves? It seems that you had similar thoughts to mine when you were younger too, so maybe I’ll change to be more in favour of getting married over time like you did. Again, great post.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I definitely don’t think marriage holds equal significance for everyone. France has a very low marriage rate–so I think you’re right–when the culture gives an institution less credence, individuals follow suit. Marriage is a fascinating topic for that very reason–our thoughts and attitudes toward it are changing rapidly and drastically. There’s no longer a one-size-fits-all model, and I absolutely love that.
I was never the marrying kind. I dated my now husband for three years, lived with him for one and when, undexpectedly, he proposed, I accepted, half scared to death. What the vows have meant to me (and, lazylaura, they can be non religious vows in front of a justice of the peace – neither my husband nor I believe) is a much deeper level of committment. My in-built flight mechanism had to be switched off. As you say, when something doesn’t work, you find creative solutions. It has been rocky, it has been boring, it had challenges but our committment forced us to show up, day and day out. And the rewards have been wonderful and unexpected. Thanks for sharing something so personal.
I loved being married and was very sad when my long one ended. Not because it was great, it was too much work for the return most times, but because we tried so hard to make it work. My former husband and I grew up together in our marriage. We had the challenge of mental illness to tackle on a daily basis, not to mention a lot of other family baggage. It was hard for us to have fun together, until we dealt with some of it and eventually it became too much for my husband. Layoffs, moving, stress. There wasn’t enough left of him for marriage and I applaud him for finally admitting it.
I made a commitment to stay because in the beginning I had one foot out the door a lot. That was about me. You are right Rian, sometimes that IS the scary part. Choosing to stay and deal. I found it very hard to leave someone that has a disease that is no ones fault. We gave it our all. We are better people for having been married to each other.
We are close friends today. We are family and always will be, my two children carry his DNA and reminders of what a great dad he was. Relationships are spiritual lessons for me, who so I want to be as a person? Some are meant to last, some aren’t. I’ve had a lot of great teachers.
Wow, Marsella–what a story. We all start from the beginning and struggle to see what challenges the future will bring. I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out in the end–but it sounds like there was a lot of success and growth and love there. You’re so right, relationships are spiritual lessons–whether they’re romantic, maternal, platonic–we learn so much from our interactions and our love for other people. You are a wise, brave, kind person–and I learn something from every one of your comments. Thanks for that.
What a beautiful post! You grasp it, probably better than most newlyweds. We are the products of how we grew up, how we were parented, taught, and exampled. 2 days ago we celebrated 17 years. It’s a job, it ebbs and flows, different seasons bring different challenges. No matter how big, there has to be an even larger amount of grace extended to one another. We are imperfect humans but we both have the same goal. Being together.
Been married twice but never found anyone else that I could care enough about to give up my freedom. Of course as an artist I need a lot of alone time and especially the kind of art that I do. I have said that I am not against marriage just never found a man who had enough of his own thing going not to curtail mine. Both of my husbands were needy in different ways and it took time to meet those needs. I guess my art is more important than marriage but I do enjoy friendship and companionship with the so called opposite sex.
Just wanted to say I really appreciate this comment. I’ve come to appreciate more and more lately just how much ‘alone time’ art requires. It feels selfish, but it’s SO NOT.
I also love this perspective and think it’s so important to talk about our relationship to art and the role it plays in our lives and marriages. Too often, people think it’s selfish to put your art at the top of your priority list–and you’re right–unless your partner has their own passions, it can be difficult to juggle the two relationships. Many of my actor friends and mentors have chosen not to have children for that very reason. Parenting their art took priority. I’m glad to hear that painting brings you so much fulfillment.
I wasn’t entirely sure (not even not) how I was going to answer this. I have run the gauntlet, meeting through post-divorce. I even did it twice. My problem, I have found, is that I have not made compatible choices. Part of that is that I never really understood myself. I am getting there. In fact, the more I get there, the more I see that, perhaps, I should now stay single. I have been married, had children, raised them, helped raise step-children, done all the duties, responsibilities, and other things that mark a married person as married. Now, I think, it is time for me. I want to date, maybe even get back into a monogamous relationship, but marriage may not be in my future. Having said that, I feel better about the whole thing. Like I said, still growing.
Scott
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Scott. I definitely think there are seasons in life, and sometimes it’s the season for you to be selfish and focus on yourself and your passions. Nothing wrong with that at all! It sounds like you’ve already had a very rich and interesting life filled with love and commitment. Maybe now it’s time to expend some of that energy on your own happiness.
Wow! When you put it that way, it really doesn’t sound selfish; it sounds deserving. Perhaps, that is correct. I do have two children I am so very proud of and now – me.
This is a terrific post. You express your thoughts so well. My partner and I had a commitment ceremony in 1993, as same-gender marriage did not exist at that time. Today there are a number of states and countries that recognize gay marriage, which is wonderful. We have never “legally” married, though, and I’m not sure that we would if one day our state were to change its laws. Still, I think of myself as married and can understand where you’re coming from. I think you’ve got the right understanding of marriage: showing up every day, for better or worse.
Wow, almost 20 years–congratulations! I suppose having a wedding now might feel like more of a recommitment ceremony, but that could be a fun celebration. I wish the world would hurry up and see that love is love is love and make marriage an option for everyone. I think it’s wonderful that you and your partner have made the decision to show up for one another every day of your own accord. That’s inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Really appreciated this post, and the positive outlook it brings to marriage. There are many dark and hard distractions, and so many things to make people decide it’s easier to be single. However, wonderful things can come out of a committed relationship, and great trust can build stronger people. No one is perfect, and I think a committed marriage is a great place to learn and grow together, to smooth away selfish blemishes and become better.
I have showed up everyday for better or worse for 30 years and hopefully 30 more – love your post
Oh, Rian. Oh… I swear I don’t go around sighing and swooning at everyone’s blogs. You’re just SO GOOD. It’s like the first thing I have to do before I can even move on. Okay. Got that out of the way. LOL
I don’t think there’s a comment box big enough for what I have to say in response to your probing question! I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but I loved when you said, “I’ve found that kind words have an uncanny way of becoming true the moment they pass your lips.”
I’ve been with my hub for 9 years, and we’re about to celebrate 4 years of marriage. What marriage means to me constantly changes. I’ve always said I knew he was ‘the one’ because I couldn’t imagine life without him. But I’m just now coming to appreciate that that may be a very co-dependent way of looking at things. I do think a successful marriage means being kind when you don’t feel like it and seeing the bigger picture, but I also think putting yourself first needs to be valued, even in marriage. (I suspect you agree!)
Oh, Jules, you flatterer. Mutual blog love, it’s a special thing. Maybe I should write a post about that ;) First of all, congrats on four years of marriage–I hope you have a SPECTACULAR aniversary weekend, filled with all of the wine and chocolate and chipmunk love you can handle.
I really like your comment about the constant evolution of marriage–I suspect that will also be my experience. I’ve been with Grant for six years now and every year has brought different challenges and joys–some of them build on one another and sometimes you’re thrown a curve ball that knocks a whole section down. Do you think your blog has changed anything–your need to focus on YOUR thing? I wonder because I think big changes like that totally affect relationships and there has to be a bit of repositioning when one partner falls in love with something outside of the marriage (like writing). Man, I wish you lived next door and we could gab it up over some vino. Ah, well, this comment box will have to do for now. Enjoy every minute of your well-deserved vacation. xx
Rian, I’ve always been the marrying kind. I recall being a boy of 8 or 10ish…and wondering how you went about finding “the one”. At the time I envisioned that when you were ready you just went off to this sort of vast wasteland (it really looked that way in my mind) and wandered around until you found them. It sort of turned out that way for me – little did I know that the vast wasteland was just day to day life. Since that time when I met “the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met” it’s been a long trip. The relationship is everything I envisioned it could be and so much more – the love (commitment) I thought I understood then is so much more now. After years of showing up every day for better and for worse and getting better at managing our humanness and our humanness together (and our humanness together with our kids) I find that joy is present quite often. I read your very early post about having to give something up – so far I’d say I have it all. And I just keep giving up my attachment to everything – even the one I’m most attached to and continue choosing everyday. For me, it’s beautiful. Here’s all of us having some fun – http://blog.dialetheia.com/2012/08/07/heavy-blog/.
You have a beautiful family, Ed. And it looks like you have so much fun together! Joy and humour are integral to all of the succesful marriages I’ve witnessed. I wish you many more years of happiness!
This touches me for a myriad of reasons, I too thought myself “not the marrying kind” until I did. I didn’t grow up in a home of divorce, but I still placed brains and adventure [I was often found wandering in my childhood neighborhood asking if anyone needed mysteries solved, true story as I adored Nancy Drew] ahead of a serious relationship. I pushed most of the boys/men away that I felt something for and then oddly enough changed trajectory and settled with someone who came at a time when I was afraid of being alone, not wanting to be/find myself and thus letting the lights in my eyes dim… Until I sat down to write one day, after not writing for many days [like weeks to months to years string of days]. I hope with all my heart that my little girl will see that the light in my eyes is part of the why, the why her father and I are divorced. Just as much as us finding love after finding ourselves (well, I’m doing that) he moved in with the nanny less than a year after I asked for a divorce, but that’s a whole other story! Thank you for sharing this with all of us [me], to know we’re not alone in the matters of heart (and paper ;)
Wow, Kristy–thanks for sharing your story. You’ve hinted at it for a while but I never knew any of the details. While I can’t make any promises, I can tell you that from my experience and perspective, your daughter will understand and appreciate your decision one day. I know I did and do with my own mom. My parents still apologize for their mistakes, and once upon a time that made me feel better. But now that I’m older, I can see them as people–people who made choices that needed to be made. I think my own mother was very strong and brave to make the choices she did and I love and respect her for them. I’m sure your passion and love for life will teach your daughter the same. I hope you find the right partner, someone who appreciates the “light” in your eyes. You deserve it. Take care. xx
Thank you Rian, as you said above I’ll use here, I haven’t shared all the story and I am trying to not look like the ass. The reason for getting a divorce was not due to a nanny, but that the two of us had changed and grew apart to the point of irreconcilable differences. Around the same time I met someone, a friend who helped me see the light in my eyes again as he reflected such light to me; he’s my guest blog post I just published and half of the love story I’m waiting to tell :)
I married young—23—and the person I had my first ‘real’ relationship with. We’ve been together 6 years now.
Growing up, I never thought I’d be one to marry, let alone the first of my friends to tie the knot. Though my parents were madly in love until my father passed away when I was a teenager, I was well aware of the likelihood of having such a lucky match that would last a lifetime.
Yet I can’t imagine not being married. I like the commitment. It’s challenging but also comforting.
I think it’s great to really talk about this subject honestly. Thanks for sharing your perspective and inviting others to do the same.
I’ve found that some days showing up is the only thing I can do. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale. I often have people ask me how I’ve stayed with Greg for ten years and my answer usually is something like, “Work. Lots and lots and lots of work.”
Thanks for posting! Too often we mask our relationships as being “fine” or “good” when in reality we want to run screaming out the door and fly to the nearest bar. We need more real portrayals of marriage.
I think a lot of people could benefit from your experience and perspective, Denise ;) You’re right, we definitely need to talk about all aspects of marriage–the good, the bad, the mundane. Because I think by hiding those things, we create an unrealistic image of what marriage is and other people (friends, acquintances) see that and compare their own marriages to that false ideal. On a complete side note–I’m so excited to see Greg in Seattle today and I wish you were going to be there too. xxxxx
I decided to get marry because for me was not the same… and I believe you have another kind of commitment.
I agree with you, you decide to share your life, your thoughts, your dreams, with someone else, you choose, that someone everyday and, in my case, my life is better with him.
I like to be marry, and I’m very proud. Is very personal, but I like this project, and I believe in it. (Too much romance????, maybe…) love your post!
Romance is a good thing. I should probably be less level-headed sometimes ;) I like that you refer to marriage as a project–something you keep building and working on for a lifetime. Thanks for sharing xx
you said it very well!: project something, keep building and working for a lifetime (with a lot of work and good luck!) ;) thanks for your comment!
Great post. My parents divorced when I was eight, and I felt pretty ambivalent about marriage as a result. But even though I hadn’t really wanted to get married, when I met my husband, I wanted to marry *him*. And when I did, it did feel different. I think it gave me a sense of peace for some reason. It was also when I started making decisions for “us” instead of for me. We’ve been married for three years and together for ten. So far, it’s been easy, but I know at times there will be work involved and I’m ok with that. I think what we have is worth it.
Yes, the shift from “me” to “us” has been a big one for me as well. I love that marriage gives you a sense of peace–that’s a beautiful sentiment. Congrats on ten years together!
What a topic! Great post! I find that I am still – at age Old – not the marrying kind. I’m still circularly pondering all the freedoms and regulations, and find it very interesting how society plays it’s roles and how those roles change, but mostly I return to myself because of the way I give myself up in relationships. Going back to single always feels SO GOOD after fumbling around in relationships. I’m told that’s because they weren’t “the right one” but perhaps I’m not the right one for that kind of thing. I also like the comments regarding alone time within a relationship. I need to be alone more than anyone I’ve ever known and I’ve never successfully negotiated that time out with anyone else requesting my attention. I don’t find it selfish, I find it necessary for my survival. My family, helpless in their conservative religious point of reference, worry about me. Who will take care of & look out for Denise? Who will keep her from being alone? So far – me!
I so appreciate your thoughtful point of view, though, and many of the comments. This is one I’ll be printing out and tucking in my journal of other ways of thinking about topics I spin on.
Humm…that reminds me of someone (that person who is sitting neat the laptop, typing. Me, of course). I used to think the same thing about marriage “Isn’t it more meaningful to show up and choose to be with your partner every day than to sign a piece of paper that obligates you to do so?” before reading your perspective on it. Or at least, that was my lie to myself, and a noble way to posses my own freedom and say “if I ever want to pack my things and fly to Australia I don’t want to be bound to anywhere by anyone (Australia, simply because it is far far away). But the way you present it , marriage seems like a bigger commitment to yourself than to someone else.
I think the most important part , the most meaningful and the one the makes the difference is about talking, discussing, baking this though together.
Thank you for another great entry , Rian. Who know, maybe I’ll find out that I am also the marrying type. After all, they say that in order to overcome your fear you must face it. (:
“if I ever want to pack my things and fly to Australia I don’t want to be bound to anywhere by anyone.”–I can relate to this, big time. I moved a lot as a child so, for me, freedom lies in packing a box and going somewhere new. Marrying Grant limited my options (we can’t live in the U.S. without jumping through a TON of red tape) but it also expanded and opened them up. We both love to travel, and marriage has meant finding my perfect travel companion–somone who will hop a plane to Paris with me. I suppose the trick to getting past our fears lies in knowing what we really want out of life and searching out a kindred spirit to help us tackle those adventures head on. I hope you find that partner, whether or not you end up being the marrying kind ;)
I guess you couldn’t from that in a better way. If one is the running away kind, he needs a running away partner. Or maybe the opposite? Oh, well, this thing is complicated. If it feels right, that should be good enough. Thanks , Rian (:
You ask a loaded question my friend, and you’ve got some great responses to read! I chose to get married because I wanted to tie that fine ass down…among other reasons :)
I can totally relate to the fear factor. Oh man, I spent the entire first eight months of marriage with really bad anxiety. I felt that this wonderful creature, whom I was trying to give my whole heart and soul to, would undoubtedly leave me in one form or another. I knew that if he didn’t first abandon me or fall out of love with me, he would surely die later on in life and leave me that way. It was SO insanely hard for me to move past this and I’m still working on it, but overall I love being married. It’s a relationship unlike any other and it’s constantly growing, evolving, and opening (hopefully). However, with all of that comes challenges, pain, discomfort, heart burn, numbness, painful urination and feeling faint upon standing…BUT there is nothing like marriage that will teach you more about the kind of person you are or should aspire to be, I think.
xoxo, Tobi
I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogging Award!!!!
Thanks :)
First of all, this post resonates with me so much! Thank you for showing your vulnerability and conveying your honesty,
You asked, “How do you feel about marriage?”
My response: It frightens me. I don’t think I can do the everyday stuff. I married once and we went south before the “I DOs” were ever uttered. I remain hopeful that my views about relationships will change from terror to positive.
YOU: I’d love to hear your thoughts on why you decided to marry (or not).
My Respone: I decided to marry because I hit a bump in my life that created a lot of fear and confusion for me. I ran to the person (a dear friend) for solace and comfort. I knew he liked me in a romantic way…I did not feel the same. I thought him to be safe and assumed marriage with him would bring me protection and what I needed to get through that rough patch in my life. Things only got worse. We divorced. I’m now paralyzed in some areas of my psyche about marriage–though I enjoy companionship.
YOU: What you’ve learned in the process?
My Response: I’ve learned not to marry out of fear. Get to know the person you are with before moving things to another level. Throw out other people’s views and ideals regarding relationships–choose those that fit who you are. Remain hopeful. Each relationship is different. My dynamics with one person will not be the same with another. When reading your post, your Mom & Dad validated this belief for me by marrying again.
Hi Nesi–thanks so much for sharing your story. I can really relate to what you’ve learned–I’ve also entered into relationships for the wrong reasons. I wish you lots of luck and wisdom the next go-round. xx
After reading this post I felt like you had taken the words right out of my mind. I was terrified at the mere thought of marriage, mostly because of all the relationships that had gone bad in my life. My parents have been married for 30 years and they have been a good model for me and my siblings, but I have seen my fair share of ugly divorces among close friends and family members. Like you, I was terrified committing myself to someone who I then believed would eventually leave me. I remember how nervous I was the day I got married. I could not sleep and I had too much caffeine. But 5 years and a baby girl later, I am still married to the same wonderful man. We have our good times and bad times. Sometimes I hate him but we can never stay mad at each other for too long. I love him like crazy. Marriage has brought out the best in me and I am forever thankful for the love we share. Guess I am the marrying type too :)
I’m glad to hear that you feel marriage brings out the best in you–I suppose that’s one of the challenges–marriage, as you’ve witnessed, can bring out the worst in people too. Congrats on five years and a beautiful baby girl–your life sounds very good :)
Great Post! I was not the marrying kind until I met “the one” and we love to travel, explore and adventure together – love that the most!
“Travel, explore and adventure together”–that is also my definition of a good relationship. Glad you met the right partner!
I loved this post. It was never a question in my mind that I would get married. My husband and I have been together since we were 17 and 19, and now we’re 26 and 28 and have been married for four years. We’ve been through a lot in our short marriage, and it’s been challenging, but I love that we go through it all together and come out stronger for it.
I like this post a lot, as well as all the reader’s comments.
Myself, I don’t see marriage as a “be all and end all”: if a bloke comes along who I’d want to marry then that’s fine, if a bloke comes along who I don’t think would work as A Husband then that’s fine, if no bloke comes along then I don’t see that being a major problem or cause of unhappiness. Some people see marriage as a life goal…I don’t view it that way.
I’ve been doing competitive ballroom dancing for a few years and for a whole 12 months I had a dance partner whom I trained and competed with. I was always trying to make sure that the partnership worked: I kept a dialogue open, I supported him (personally and in the context of our dance partnership), I was prepared to discuss and solve the issues as they came up. That’s what I see marriage as: something that you have to work at constantly and that you’re always trying to make work better. Long-term relationships are something I wouldn’t take for granted.
I loved this post!
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http://peacockinarobinsnest.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/liebster-award/
This is so refreshing to read. Thank you for articulating so eloquently the marriage anxiety I often feel as well — even having grown up with two still happily married parents.
Reblogged this on journeytonever-ending and commented:
The truth is, marriage is just what I always thought love should be: showing up every day, for better or worse. :)
Great insight about marriage and relationship.
Lovely post. :) I married in June last year, after being together with my boyfriend and now husband for 8 years. Honestly, marriage was no different for us from our unmarried lives. But we always wanted to get married. It seemed like a natural progression. But it could be mainly because in India, cohabitation is not common. Being married shuts people up and you don’t have to put up with answering uncomfortable questions. Plus getting a place together becomes easier if you are married.
This is such a beautiful post to read. My parents divorced a year ago (to everyone’s relief) but I guess questions about whether its messed me up ‘relationship-wise’ was somewhat answered here. I learnt more about self-love and leaving something that hurts you through my parents. What you said Is true though, after you have been hurt you go in baring all your flaws, because you want someone to love your soul, not just the pretty clothes you wear. Great post :)
My parents’ divorce has been an albatross around my neck, because I find myself carrying the same child-like thoughts that every man or woman will eventually step outside the marriage. Although many survive the heartache of infidelity, it’s my guess that security is better than being single or that one has managed to keep his/her affair a secret.
I want to believe that love, patience, commitment and communication can sustain a marriage. Therefore, I wait. My story has yet to be written.