Do any of you watch “30 Rock?” Besides having a major girl crush on Tina Fey, I love the well-written, politically-incorrect satire of the show. Recently, during a bout of procrastination after doing all of my chores, I caught a season two rerun called “Sandwich Day.” After a lot of funny plot points involving, you guessed it, sandwiches, Jack Donnaghy turns to Liz and delivers one of those heart stopping lines that hits you amid all of the funny: “Lemon, life is about minimizing regrets[…] You’re young and you still haven’t blown it, so don’t start now.” Maybe I’m just a sucker for the juxtaposition of humor and serious insight. Full disclosure: I’m a sucker for a lot of things, including, but not limited to, the Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl” memes, sad commercials with good music, and anything to do with pygmy hippos (feel free to take all of that into consideration when assessing my expertise on any given subject). But Jack’s line resonated with me: Life is about minimizing regret. You may be onto something there, Mr. Donnaghy.
Truth and regret. As an incredibly vocal (read obnoxious) only child, I grew up saying anything and everything that popped into my brain. There were no siblings to get upset and punch me in the head when I stepped out of line. Now that I’m thirty, I am slowly, very slowly, getting to a place where I think carefully before I let fly every passing observation. It’s a lot of work. In the past, I didn’t always think mature adult thoughts like: how will this comment make someone else feel, and how will it make me feel? The thing about regret is that the bad things we say have a way of haunting us more than they do other people. We can brush off a rude remark from someone else, telling ourselves that it’s their issue. But if we are the ones saying the hurtful thing, then it’s very obviously our issue.
So, when should we tell the truth? And when should we err on the side of kindness? One of my favorite memoirists, Mary Karr, does such a brilliant job of writing about difficult truths. In her books “The Liar’s Club” and “Lit,” she bluntly and hilariously recounts her tumultuous childhood, making no bones about her mother’s psychosis or her own eventual alcoholism. When Slate Magazine asked her how she deals with the possible hurt feelings of friends and family, she said, “As soon as you start to leave things out—to shape a tale—you’re maneuvering the actual.” Fair enough, but how do we include all of the bad stuff without alienating everyone we know?
Karr provides a bit of clarification: “If someone’s behaving like an asshole in my book, it most always tends to be me.” This may be a good rule of thumb for truth-telling: turn the lens onto yourself. Your dad was a jerk? Okay, how did you experience that? In what ways were you a jerk back? Did you act like a jerk to other people? Or did it make you more compassionate? Talk about that. The trouble is, this is usually the complete opposite of what we do in everyday life. We devote a great deal of our energy to not looking like assholes, to playing it cool and appearing like we’ve got it all figured out. But why? Why do we expend so much energy on looking like we’re right all of the time?
The irony is that the more “right” we think we are, the more “wrong” we usually end up being: maybe not about the particular fact at hand, but wrong in the bigger, more important sense. This is why we’re often drawn to people who are self-deprecating: they know how to talk about the crappy things in life without laying blame on others. Life is tough, and we all do bad, wrong, mistaken things along the way. We should be able to talk about them, lay out the facts, stare the ugly truth in the eye. I’m not a fan of sweeping truly important stuff under the rug; it tends to linger. So, say what you need to say. But keep this in mind: the only story that you can tell 100% truthfully is the one about yourself and how you dealt and still deal with things. Minimizing regret is not about being disingenuous in order to be kind, it’s about being honest with ourselves first and worrying about the faults of others a very distant second.
What do you think? Is it better to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but? Do you err on the side of kindness? Or do you walk the fine line between the two?
Great insight! Huge 30Rock/Tina fan. With the ‘relativity’ of the ever-changing truth it’s hard to take life seriously sometimes. If we’ve learned nothing from Jim Carrey’s ‘Liar Liar’, it’s that sometimes grownups have to lie (and regrettably hilarity doesn’t always ensue). But when walking that fine line, I believe erring on the side of kindness usually helps.
I’m probably way too kind, if there is such a thing, in person. But when I write, I feel more free and able to spit the truth, if you will. I find that keeping a sense of humor and remembering to make fun of yourself along with others is the best policy in writing and life in general. It seems less hurtful that way. BTW, I love 30 Rock :) they are just so out of line, it’s awesome!
While I agree that we should minimize regret in our lives (and I probably err on the side of kindess myself… truth can sometimes be the kindest thing we can do for someone), I also think that minimizing regret means that we need to recognize that regret is counterproductive. We can’t change the past, we can only atone for past wrongs and strive to do better for ourselves and others. Regret causes us to miss opportunities for self-improvement. Self-improvement is essential to growth, and who doesn’t want to be their best possible self?
“Forget regrets, or life is yours to miss” – Rent
A friend of mine once scolded me for clearly not preparing for a very important exam. I had expected her sympathy for my mediocre results. She said: in the toss up between being nice or being good. I’m going with good. And so sayeth I.
As some others have already pointed out- truth can be kind and kindness isn’t always nice.
I didn’t know how to be honest until I got into al-anon. There is a saying “If nothing changes…nothing changes”! That’s how I’ve come to see honesty. I have a commitment to myself to be as straight forward as possible unless it puts my life (or someone else’s) in danger. Other people can grow from our clearing the air…or not. How you deliver the news is tricky and can be messy. I’ve learned that too the hard way. Still am, we don’t always perceive the way we say things, it matters. Those who are more comfortable with denial will worm their way out of the truth no matter what. It’s a loaded topic…and who’s truth is it?
I have to laugh Rian, I bet you were a little girl diva! My siblings exposed me to the 3 Stooges school of honesty. Punches in the head were mandatory.
I believe that the most important part is the delivery, which should always err on the side of kindness. There are ways to say the truth that minimise the hurting of others e.g., thinking before you speak, adding empathy, using humour.
If I didn’t have a sense of humour, I don’t think I’d ever be able to express my true feelings!
Just completed a call with a business owner and we discussed finding our “voice.”
It’s paramount to be authentic at all times. Otherwise, people will see through all the makeup and do whatever they can to avoid speaking with you, being with you, or in my clients case, buying from you. A phrase for inauthenticity is “lipstick on a pig.” Pun intended ;-p
FACE Finding Authenticity Changes Everything
I’ve always believed in living a “no regrets” kind of life. I live by the Golden Rule and strive to strike the phrase “if only I had done/said/went…” from my rhetoric. Now, that’s not to say that I haven’t needed to apologize for my actions, but the important thing to remember is that life is all we truly have. Since no one gets out alive, why not have the most honest and fulfilling experience possible?
A pithy post! I love what you said about asking yourself: do you respond by being a jerk or do you become more compassionate – it is something that I’ve been guided by all my life and helped me stay on track. Thanks for the great honesty.
I think I walk a fine line and the majority of the time lean towards telling the truth. Great Post & Have a Great Day!
This topic definitely hit home with me! Not only do I LOVE “30 Rock”/Tiny Fey (how good was “Bossypants”?!), it’s the number one thing I struggle with. I believe in following the Golden Rule above all else, but sometimes I think biting my tongue and avoiding conflict isn’t a good thing, especially if a loved one is being self-destructive (but I’ve always been this way). I’ve also struggled with it as a non-fiction writer; I want to tell the truth in my stories, but I don’t want to alienate my loved ones. So the advice about focusing on yourself and what you learned from the experience is wonderful! :)
Great post, Rian! I find that regret is a big topic to tackle, but you did it in a very simple and impactful way. As for your question, I think I tend to lean a little bit more on the kindness side of things. I really do value truth but I find it hard to confront sometimes. I hate stepping on other people’s toes and that (somewhat sadly) results in me sometimes beating around the bush. I have friends who are too truthful though and their honesty turns a little bit sour sometimes. It’s definitely hard to find that middle place–but that’s a place we should all strive for! Thanks for making me think :)
I prefer to lay it all out in the open. often times, i have trouble in accepting my mistake because i am focusing so much on avoiding the “Ugly Truth”. Somehow or the other, it tends to slither out from the carpet and make its way to me till it spouts out of my mouth. :P
Great post
So, there were two things I got out of this:
1) If I ever see a commercial about a small, homeless child crying because her pygmy hippo was kidnapped, all the while “Love Story plays in the background to the lyrics of “Hey Girl”, I should, definitely, write you to critique it!
2) We feel very similar when talking about telling the truth.
I posted about this very subject last week. Post:
Anyway, I agree with almost all that you said, maybe all, I am tired!
I think I will post again on this subject tonight with another point of view or just a different perspective and add a link back here. I hope that’s okay with you.
Great post,
Scott
I love 30 Rock. I am embarrassingly like Liz Lemon :) And that show can be pretty wise! Only regret what you don’t do!
I decided to be completely honest w the last guy I was dating and let him know upfront about my cheating past and about another guy who was in the picture when we first met. He gave me hell about it and made me wait ten months before he was ready to commit to me. Even though I hated waiting, he was worth the wait and now I don’t have to worry about any skeletons coming back to haunt me cause he already knows.
It’s such a fine line isn’t it? I think you hit on a great point though: the only real truth we know is our own. It’s the only place we can truly come from with any authenticity.
Oh, and Hey Girl. I love your blog. And piggies too. Let’s eat some tasty pastries and talk literature.
Hey Girl.
I was like you for many years, saying whatever I wanted and not worrying about how it would sound or how it would affect the people I was speaking to. With maturity comes wisdom. I cannot take back what I said, but I can endeavor to not make the same mistakes now. Looking forward is always better than looking back! (Loving the blog!!)
When I was 16, I was a horrible driver. I was very easily distracted. Because of this, my parents gave me a rule – Only one passenger allowed in the vehicle. During the summer, a large group of friends were heading down to an amusement park and during the planning of the trip I volunteered to take two of them with me in the car. What happens? The timing belt breaks. I had to call a tow truck and my dad. I was caught in the lie.
I don’t really think I have told any lies of substance since that day. I realized that, somehow, someway, you will always get caught in your lie.
Have I not told the truth by withholding my thought or opinion – absolutely yes. That is the fine line I walk. I won’t lie to you, but I may not voice my opinion.
Love 30 Rock! Tina Fey is so multi-talented, and her self-deprecating humor is a relevation!
“Jack is one of the funniest characters of all time. My fav is when he does a “session” between Tracey and his therapist. His performance re-creating Tracey’s home life was freaking wonderful!
Great post.
I have the book “Lit” by Mary Karr as well, however, it’s on my “must read list”. I believe I need a year off to read and complete my lists as work (well my current profession) doesn’t seem to make the cut. I appreciate the twist on telling ones story, I’ve struggled with how to share without looking like an asshole (because I can be one myself) and in being divorced I have the opportunity to look like one as well as I’ve strung some nice big regrets on this life-line. Now, I look at them like pearls, they just needed time to become the gems that they are rather than irritating grains of sand. I hope you enjoyed NYC, I love that city (I was there in Christmas and even blogged about it as my little girl wanted to hug the Rockefeller Christmas tree, however, there’s a fence around it) so we took a picture instead. To answer your question about truth, I feel it depends on intent/knowing ones intention in sharing the truth and honestly, truth is very subjective. ~Kristy
Hi!!! I was very honest until I realized that is better to walk in the fine line… I’m not very proud of that and is complicated, but seems to me more complicate to be compllete honest with people. I realized that not everyone wants to hear wahr you really think.
And this phrase (“Lemon, life is about minimizing regrets[…] You’re young and you still haven’t blown it, so don’t start now.”) is great!
Have a nice day!
Xoxo
Carla
http://apasionadablog.wordpress.com/
truth and love should go hand in hand. Always.
I believe.
:)
-Lily
p.s. lovely blog btw! :)
I agree with you about humor mixed with pithy truths. 30 Rock rocks! But I am not sure we know all about ourselves: not 100%. But we should start looking at ourselves when we want to blame someone for something that went wrong. Good blog! Newsofthetimes sent me your way and I am just catching up!